I remember you…

– Are you ready? Go! I hear your footsteps like you’re walking. I hear your voice like you’re talking to me. I can reach every moment, every caress like i’m living a dream. Down to the bone, go little darling. Oh i remember you, feels like it was yesterday. I remember you; you’ve got me running back again. You shared my secrets and my laughter. I fell in love with the light in your eyes and i believed that summer would go on and on for the rest of my life… –

It was a cold, rainy night. I was walking the dark streets alone, heading home. The bridge I crossed brought back an image. An image from the past which made me smile in spite of the rain.

The fall had come again. I had welcomed it like an old friend that I had missed. A new season is a good way to close a chapter. Although it had been a stormy chapter that ended very sad and painful, I was happy that it was over. It was about time I found myself a clean, white page to start with.

Maria keeps calling it ‘the amazing affair’. Was it an affair? I called it a relationship when I was in the middle of it. Now when I reconsider, maybe it was an affair. He came into my life like a whirlwind on a Saturday night, taking with him every sense I had in me. Made me fall crazily in love with him from the moment our eyes met until the day I told him I never wanted to see him again. Of course it didn’t work in the end, of course it was impossible to combine two life’s so different, opposite even. It’s hard to find the moment where it went wrong. When I think back now, I see only painful moments. I can only recall the mistakes I made, the fights we had and the mess we made. ‘I never want to see you again. I want you out of my life, for good.’ Silence. A sigh. ‘If that’s what you want… goodbye.’ Silence again. Tears rolling down my cheeks as I whisper ‘please go…’

I get deeper into my coat while I try to prevent my thoughts from getting darker. It has been almost a year and it is time to move on. I can honestly say I am almost recovered. First it was ‘I have days I that am not thinking about him’ now it’s ‘oops I thought about him, it’s been a while’… It’s good so many things have changed lately; my life is completely different now. I have moved to another, bigger apartment on a better side of town. I got promoted at work and am now leading the division of administration. I am a self-made, independent woman!

At the moment I reach my door, I hear the phone ringing inside. I wait but the caller does not hang up and the answering machine is switched off. Eventually I pick up, it’s Maria. ‘Hi babe, miss me already!’ I had seen her half an hour ago at the pub. ‘Is your TV on? Turn the TV on!’ she almost shouts as if it is an order! So I do what she says. I sit down on the couch and turn the TV on. ‘Which channel? What’s going on?’ I ask while getting my cigarettes. ‘The late night news, any channel!’ she says, still screaming at me as if I am deaf. My TV goes to channel 3. I watch and listen and drop the cigarette I was about to light.

The screen show images while text is repeated on the bottom; – Per Gessle possibly killed in plane crash above the Pacific Ocean – Stay with us for more news – … the images that are shown also keep repeating. They show pieces of an interview with Per. He is sitting at a sunny beach. He looks good and is smiling, having a nice conversation with a journalist. I knew TV4 was doing a documentary about Roxette while they where busy working on their new album. They had taken their crew to a beautiful island to be able to relax and work at the same time, like they did in Capri for the Crash! Boom! Bang!-album. The host of the programme is talking and talking but I can’t hear what he is saying, there is a whizzing sound in my ears and the world is spinning. I totally forget about Maria. I drop the phone and run to the bathroom.

After throwing up I go back to the living room shaking. I pick the cigarette I had dropped up from the floor and light it. The phone still lies on the couch but Maria is not on the line anymore. I dial her number but she doesn’t answer. Minutes later she is at my door. When she comes in, she doesn’t say anything, just takes me in her arms. Then I start crying. Softly at first, then loudly and hysterical. Maria says sweet things to me and leads me back to the couch. She turns off the TV, goes to the kitchen and comes back with two big cups of tea.

We talked for hours, checking the news from time to time but there was nothing they could say. We slept in my bed together and woke up the next day when it was already in the afternoon. Immediately when I woke up I saw the TV. Maria sits up in the bed, watching TV with the sound almost off. ‘Did I wake you?’ I shake my head. She had been crying, I could see. ‘What is the news?’ I ask with a loud beating heart. ‘He made it through the night. He is still in intensive care but they think everything will be alright.’ I let out a sigh and feel tears come up. ‘Anyone else on the plane?’ I almost didn’t dare to ask. She nodded. ‘The pilot survived. There was only one airline-crewmember, she got killed. Besides them it was only Dimberg and Clarence on the plane…’ she started to cry but kept talking. ‘Clarence is critical but Dimberg… she didn’t make it. She passed away this morning.’ Now I also cried. We hold on to each other crying over the Roxette-drama that had taken place.

When I get back to my senses I ask her what the reason of the flight was. She doesn’t have to answer because there is another edition of the news on TV and they summed up what had happened. Per, Dimberg and Clarence where on a plane to the nearest mainland, from where they would go back to Stockholm. Their work was done, the rest of the crew stayed a bit longer for vacation. Because of business issues, the other three couldn’t stay longer. In spite of the bad weather that was predicted, the pilot decided to go through with the trip. He changed the route but it was now use. They got into a tropical storm which was impossible to get out of. In an attempt to make an emergency-landing, they crashed into a ship. They where only half an hour away from the airport where they were supposed to land.

I spent the rest of the day in some kind of trance. Maria and I had many phone calls from fans who were our friends. She called Spain, I called Holland. Then we went online to spread the horrible news over the net. E-mails started to come in. I had taken some distance from the Rox-fan-world for a while, now I was thrown right back into the middle of it. The 8-o’clock news reported that Gessle’s situation had stabilized. He would be flown to Stockholm as soon as the doctors found it safe.

The rest of the weekend Maria and I spent a lot of time on the phone, to each other and to other fans. On Monday the newspapers all reported of the horrible accident. I read Expressen at work. They had a 4-page story with it but the story as well as the pictures al had been on TV. Latest news was that both Per and Clarence were stabilized. The doctors hoped they would be able to send them to Stockholm by the end of the week.

Lunch break. I eat at my desk, am not in the mood to join my colleagues at the diner. Someone is playing music somewhere… Marie’s voice sounds through the office softly. I shut the door to my room but it doesn’t help. I hear her singing ‘Varmt och djupt’ loud and clear… ‘…när jag vaknar i natten så ensam, och inte kan somna om, och jag ser dig sova intill mig… när jag vänder mig om, och du viskar: ‘kom’…’ (when i wake up in the middle of the night, so lonely, and can’t go back to sleep and, i see you laying there beside me… when i turn around, and you are whispering: “come”) I take a few deep breaths to get rid of the heavy feeling on my chest and the tears in my eyes.

The feeling of missing him is back. Like a slap in the face, it’s back. Why? Why do those feelings come back now?! Maria tries to explain it when I am at her house for diner that night. ‘I know what you mean, I feel the same. All I want is to see him and hear him say it’s ok. I want to hold him…’ she takes a big sip of her glass of water. ‘Yes, I think that’s it. But why am I suddenly afraid that I was wrong to break up with Per?’ she looks at me with big eyes ‘Do you? Do you want him back?’ I play with the food a bit. ‘I… I don’t know. I miss him terribly… when I heard a love song today I saw all the happy moments we had. It has been ages ago since I did that.’ Maria knows the story. She caught me when Per and I slipped and fell. Ironically enough it was also Marie Fredriksson’s music that helped me through.

Now I was back where I started. Confused, sad and angry.

During the week, Maria and I got ourselves together again. We both needed to concentrate on work or else we would ruin the company! I listened to Marie’s solo albums all week. That had also been a while but now I had a desperate need for ‘Den Ständiga Resan’…

Per and Clarence were flown in on Friday. The hospital in Stockholm picked them up from the airport with an ambulance. Maria had a day off but she called me in the evening. It was about 7 o’clock and I was still working. ‘Honey, don’t overdo it! Work is done, it’s weekend!’ she tried to cheer me up. She succeeded halfway. ‘Listen, you wont believe who I spoke to today…’ she told me she had called the hospital to ask if she could visit Clarence when he got in. The nurse told her that both men first needed some medical attention. Maybe Saturday. Maria is the persistent type so she asked if there was anyone else she could talk to. Then she got Christoffer on the phone! He knew her and me because of our relationships with Per and Clarence. They had a nice talk. Christoffer had flown back on the same plane; the whole crew was now in state of shock so there was no way they could work. Marie and her family would arrive in Stockholm tomorrow (Saturday).

I am stunned. ‘So they just let you talk to him?! They just shouted: hey is there someone that can talk about Clarence Öfwerman?!’ Maria laughed. ‘I think he just happened to be around, or something. I told him I wanted to visit Clarence and said I wasn’t sure. Then he said he would also be at the hospital tomorrow so I could go in with him.’ She was silent, waiting for my answer. ‘So… are you waiting for me to say I’ll join you? No way, Maria, no way…’ it was not easy but half an hour later she has persuaded me. Tomorrow we will visit ‘the men’.

Saturday. Maria was going to pick me up around 3 o’clock to drive to the hospital together. I was very late and looked like shit. I woke up at about 12 o’clock because I couldn’t get to sleep the night before. I kept thinking of meeting Per and the last time I saw him. So after twelve it was breakfast, shower, groceries and then I had some house work to be done. I totally forgot about time and when I heard Maria’s car horn it scared the hell out of me. I was still wearing an old jeans and some sweater, my Saturday-suit… I quickly changed to another shirt and put a tiny bit of perfume on. I grabbed my purse and ran out.

‘Hi! You ready?’ she says after I have given her a hug and a kiss on her cheek. ‘No. Let’s drive!’ I smoke 3 cigarettes on the way which is ridiculous; it is only half an hour drive. Maria is also nervous but not as scared as I am.

Christoffer has to pick us up from the reception. With him is Bo, Roxette’s main security guy. Christoffer hugs both of us shortly, Bo nods. He always looks very serious, almost angry. Now he looks serious and concerned and tired all at once. I pat his shoulder and we trade understanding looks and faint smiles. They walk with us to the elevator, up to the corridor where Per and Clarence lay. They both have their own room, very close to each other. We don’t speak much and only in a soft tone. Christoffer takes Maria’s hand. Together they walk to Clarence’s room. Bo looks at me while I am standing in the hallway. ‘Shall I go with you?’ he asks. I shake my head. I am not going in. I’m afraid to get hysterical… so I sit in the hallway, waiting for Maria.

Minutes are crawling by. Suddenly the door at the end of the hall opens and someone comes walking in fast, with big steps. It is Marie. It is the diva in person, fresh from the plane. I feel better now; I am not the only one looking like shit. She first hugs Bo and they speak softly. From what I hear, I understand she has not seen Per yet since the crash. Then she looks at me which makes my stomach turn around (that’s a quite normal reaction to a look from MF…). When I stand up, she hugs me. ‘How are you, it has been ages. Have you seen him?’ she asks. I shake my head. ‘I… maybe it’s stupid but I don’t dare to go in…’ silence for a moment. ‘How have you recovered?’ I am surprised she asks. I thought she always had been against the relationship I had with Per. She always treated me nice in a rather polite way, friendly because I was with Per. Now she showed concern for me as well. ‘I thought I did well, until… well until last week.’ Then she walks to Per’s room. ‘I’ll tell him you’re here.’ Before I have the chance to reply, she is already gone.

Christoffer comes out of Clarence’s room. It had only been about 20 minutes but it seemed ages. Bo is back with coffee and both men take place on chairs beside me. I ask Christoffer how the reuniting of Maria and Clarence has been. ‘She hugged him and started to cry. Then she started to say things in Spanish to him, which made him laugh! So I think everything is fine with them, they behaved like friends.’ I smiled. Typically Maria to act that way; must be her warm blood. The best thing is that she doesn’t care. I am very afraid of getting hysterical when I see Per lay in that bed so helplessly. The past few days I have only been thinking of how it would be if we came back together. It was impossible, after almost a year…

Marie comes out of Per’s room about 10 minutes later. She actually looks better. I stand up, looking at her questioningly. She takes my hand and walks a few paces away from the men. ‘He is quite alright, no problem to talk to him.’ She says, which made a relieved sigh escape my mouth. ‘I told him you are here and he really wants to see you… I only have to warn you for one thing: he is very emotional. He cried when he saw me.’ This makes me even more afraid to go in, but at least he wants to see me. So I walk back to his room. I wave at the rest waiting outside, and then I go in.

He lies in the big bed on his back. Everything in the room is white, even his face seems as pale as the sheets. Machines are making sounds and tubes go into his body. When he sees me, he starts to cry like Marie had predicted. He cannot not get up or move. So he just lies there, trying to look at me through his tears. I stay remarkably calm when I walk up to his bed. I bend over him and kiss his forehead. He raises one arm and clungs to me so I hold him, hugging him as good as I can.

I let go of him and wipe his face clean with a tissue. He looks so fragile, so helpless… one of his arms has a cast; the other one some a tubes. There seem to be injuries everywhere; his face is scratched and one of his eyebrows is torn and stitched. The critical situation he was in before was because there was an internal bleeding the doctors couldn’t stop. Now that has been taken care of and his life is no longer in danger. I sit down on a chair beside the bed and take his hand in mine. None of us has said a word since I entered the room. ‘I am so glad you are here now.’ I whisper. He brings his hand to my face and touches my cheek. His voice is raw when he speaks. ‘You were the first thing I thought about when the plane went down… I was so afraid I would never see you again.’ Now he makes me cry. I lay my head down on his stomach and cry softly, his hand on my head.

There is a knock on the door and Bo comes in. I wipe away my tears and look up at him. ‘Åsa is here with Gabriel.’ He says it softly, as if he feels sorry for breaking our moment. I get up and look at Per once more. ‘I will come to see you again tomorrow, ok?’ he nods. I bend over the bed and give him a soft kiss on his cheek. I squeeze his hand one last time and then leave the room.

Åsa is standing in the hallway talking to Marie. Gabriel is running around, probably doesn’t know how to handle all those sad looking adults. I walk up to Åsa who gives me a sharp look. I put my hand on her shoulder and her eyes soften. ‘How have you been?’ she asks. I nod. ‘Ok. You?’ she answers with a faint smile. Gabriel sees me and comes running at me. ‘Eliseeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!’ he screams and tries to climb my legs. I pick him up from the floor and hug him. ‘It has been a long time eh!’ we talk about his daddy that he had an accident but was going to be ok. ‘So do you want to see daddy now? Go with your mummy.’ I tell him and Åsa takes him in her arms.

Sunday morning started with rain. I got up early; there was no point to staying bed as I couldn’t sleep anymore anyway. The day before I had left the hospital after Åsa and Gabriel arrived. I waited outside for Maria and we drove to my house together. I went to bed very early and was out like a light until about 6 in the morning, it seemed as if my body thought it was enough! I was totally not in the mood for house work again so I went shopping. That’s the good thing about living in the big city; you can spend money 7 days a week. I bought some magazines and candy for Per and some new clothes for myself.

Late in the afternoon I take the subway to the hospital. When I arrive I already regret going… Per’s family is here. I haven’t met them since Per and I broke up and they greet me rather coldly. Visitors were allowed in Per and Clarence’s rooms only two at a time. Right now Per’s mother and cousin are in. I am surprised to find Bo in the coffee-room. ‘Hello! Are you working?’ I ask him while I joined his table. He nods. ‘Some fans showed up here yesterday, after you left. Per asked me to stay around during visiting hours.’ I stand up to get coffee for both of us.

We talk a bit. Suddenly Per’s brother walks up to us. I am a bit afraid to see him because I heard he didn’t really want me to be in Per’s life anymore. He looks very tired. ‘Hello Bengt, how are you?’ I decide to take the first step. ‘Fine, thanks. He wants to see you.’ In a way I feel sorry for the time I have spent on looking good today. The reason I dressed up a bit, was of course meeting Per. He is miserable enough and doesn’t have to see me looking like shit! Now I feel as if Bengt was blaming me for looking good…

I nod and got up. Bo winks at me when I look over my shoulder. He can scare people with his angry face sometimes; still he always makes me feel welcome.

When I enter Per’s room, he is sitting in bed straight up. ‘Hello…’ I say. Something keeps me from walking to him. ‘Hi! Come here…’ he pats his hand on the bed invitingly. I smile shyly, know I am about to turn red. I hug him shortly and give him the presents. ‘Oh great, thanks! I am so bored in here!’ ‘You are looking better.’ I say. He nods. ‘I slept very well. Maybe it’s the feeling of being back home, I don’t know.’ Silence. I don’t know what to say. ‘I have missed you.’ he starts. My smile is rather sarcastic. ‘Really? You looked very good on TV…’ Please don’t let me put up a fight again, this is not the time or the place to tear open old wounds. I let out a sigh and confess I have missed him too. ‘It’s not so difficult you know, with you being on the radio and TV all the time…’ we laugh. His face turns serious; he is going to say something important. ‘Do you ever consider… well… do you ever think about…?’ I don’t let him speak. ‘Yes I have. Especially this week, it has been so long…’ silence again.

I sit there for a while, filling him in on the changes in my life. He keeps giving me one of his special looks I remember so well. I can’t believe myself; after all the efforts I made to forget about this man, I am filling up with love for him again! In the middle of the conversation he suddenly picks up my hand, brings it to his mouth and kisses it. I stop talking. ‘Per…’ I pull back my hand. His hand is not letting go and he pulls me to him. None of the voices in my head can stop me. I get up, bend over and kiss him. His lips feel so warm when I press mine against them… I don’t want to let go, he sighs when I keep on kissing. He opens his mouth, inviting my tongue inside. It feels as a coming home, nothing else feels as good as this. God how I missed his kisses… I have to let go, have to… the voices in my head are hammering… telling me to let go. Eventually I do. ‘Honey…’ he whispers. ‘Shit what am I doing…?’ I say it out loud. ‘Don’t you think there is still… something left of what we had?’ he asks. I sigh. ‘I told myself not to let you say things like this anymore. You never left my heart, but when I think of being ‘us’ again…’ I sit down on the chair and can’t look at him.

I hesitate, not sure if I should continue. Was it good to show so much of my feelings? Should I let those feelings come back again? ‘It scares me too, you know.’ He softly breaks the silence. I look at him, not really understanding what he just said. ‘I get scared when I realise what you still mean to me, I realise I want you back. But I’m afraid I won’t be able to let you go anymore.’ On this I have to agree. I still regret the breaking up, even though I was the first one to say it had to be over. It’s so sad when two people feel so much love for each other, but are unable to combine their lives.

Suddenly I can’t stay there with him any longer. I am afraid I am going to make promises I don’t want to keep. So I say I have to go and almost run to the door. ‘Can I call you?’ he asks just before I leave. I put my head around the door. ‘We shall see. You get better first, ok?’ shit wasn’t that already too much…?

Weeks later.

How can one be happy and sad at the same time? I am suffering from a broken heart again. The tears for missing him are back, accompanied by an amazing strength and energy to do everything… I am heartbroken and totally in love at the same time. I haven’t made up my mind yet, devote all my time to work and friends; go partying every weekend, no time to think. Of course I am thinking about him all the time. I know he has left the hospital and is at home now, but he hasn’t called me. Sure I am not going to call him…

Saturday night, party night! Actually I was too tired and miserable to go but I let Maria talk me into it. She persisted on going to a particular bar; the bar where we once met Per and Clarence on a Saturday night. I was suspicious at first… would she try to trick me into meeting Per? It was about time because neither of us made a move. Would he feel well enough to go out? Gosh I was wondering too many things. Tight black trousers, tight white blouse. Hair up, little make up and a whole lot of attitude; I was ready to roll. I met Maria in the subway into the city. She is acting funny, laughing at me all the time… ‘What?! What’s wrong with you! Is my hair strange? Did I put eyeliner all over my face?’ now she was laughing even louder. ‘Promise you won’t get angry Elise…’ oh god. I know what is coming. ‘You didn’t…’ she looks at the floor. ‘No… he called me…’ now I am confused. ‘Who called you?’ she sighs and looks at the sky, her arms in the air. We leave the subway and I ask her again. ‘Per called me, yesterday evening. He… asked for advice. He really wanted to see you… so…’ I interrupt her. ‘So you said you would talk me into it? Shit… so he’s going to be there tonight?’ she nods slowly, still not looking at me. I stare at the ground, at my feet that are bringing me closer to him with every step I take. ‘I am sorry Elise, I thought you wanted it too, you two belong together… I hate it so much to see you so sad!’ We have reached the pub and she looks at me, eyes in question. ‘Are you angry?’ I smile and shake my head. ‘No, I am afraid!’ indeed I am shaking. Maria grabs my hand and takes me inside.

It’s almost eleven o’clock in the evening and the bar is crowded. We meet some friends but I am not paying any attention to them, my eyes are scanning the area, trying to see all the faces present. Maria has already fixed us some drinks and pinches my arm. ‘Over there…’ she whispers. When I look in the direction she points, I see him. He stands in a quiet corner, talking to some people. He looks very good in a dark shirt and black leather jacket, a little tired though.

I don’t want to run to him right away, not wanting to seem too willing… and he doesn’t know that I am here… not yet. Inside me there is still a huge conflict going on. Did I want him back in my life or not? Well he was always going to be a part of my life, there was no question about that. But my feelings about getting back together as a couple are so double. There is a piece of me that longs for him, craving his attention. Then there is also the scared part of me, the rational type which isvery afraid of crashing down again. It has happened before, why would it work the second time?

He made the first move a little later. The girls and I had managed to get places at the bar. We sat down and I had ordered a new round of drinks for us when he suddenly stands beside me. ‘Hello Elise’ I hear him say.. All faces of the girls turn in his direction, which almost makes him blush. ‘Hey… how are you!’ I say. ‘Quite alright!’ he answers and hugs me. I breathe in his scent for a spilt second, he smells so good I almost don’t want to let go. I offer him a drink. ‘A coke for me please,’ he replies. ‘Are you sure? No wine?’ he shakes his head, explaining that he is still on medication. Shit. So now I should also behave and drink water for the rest of the evening. Which actually is a bit too late, I already start to feel a bit drunk… We talk about his recovery. Apart from the medication, he feels really good. He gets tired easily and sleeps many hours but overall he is fine.

We kept talking for a long time. The girls went around the bar meeting other friends, going crazy when there finally was some room to dance and talked the bartender into playing some old music for them. Per and I laughed about them and Maria gave me some looks which I replied with a smile, a wink or a kiss. She had done the right thing, Per and I were having a great time catching up! He kept ordering cider and other alcoholic drinks for me so my happy mood improved. I am a lousy drinker; after about 4 drinks I laugh about everything. Add some more and I fall asleep! So when he is about to order again, I cancel the cider and ask for water. ‘What, enough already?!’ he says into my ear. ‘Yes, before I start to misbehave…’ I whisper back. He puts his hand on my shoulder when he whispers: ‘I wouldn’t mind…’ I bite my lip and when he looks at me again I look another way. His hand moves to my face and he touches my cheek softly.

That small gesture pushes me right over the edge and my decision becomes final: I still love him, maybe now more than ever, and I am willing to try again. I let my hand go to his and I put it around my back, pulling him to me. When his face is close to mine, I whisper ‘Welcome back…’ and then I kiss him. He stands up from his stool to get closer, wrapping both his arms around me. I just can’t stop kissing him, he feels so good and I have missed this for so long. I feel one of his hands slide down from my back to my leg, all the way to my knee. He parts my legs to slip between them and hold me tighter. I break off the kiss and look into his eyes. ‘I love you.’ I simply tell him. He smiles and sighed. ‘I never stopped loving you…’

We stand in an embrace until Maria patted me on the shoulder. ‘Hey you love-birds, it’s time to hit the streets…’ she says softly. ‘I’m off with the girls, good night!’ she kisses me on the cheek and squeezes Per’s arm. When she wants to walk away he lets go of me and calls her back. I hear him thank her, then he hugs her. Ha! It was a conspiracy! My best friend has led me back into the arms of the man… well some weeks ago I would’ve said ‘the man whom I should forget about’… Now it is ‘the man who captured my heart for the second time’!

I tell him that when we walked through the dark Stockholm streets together. I have no clue where we are walking to. Actually my mind is a bit too hazed to care about it. He is kind of surprised with what I tell him. ‘So until that kiss, you hadn’t made up your mind yet?’ I shake my head. ‘Nope. But hey I think it’s the alcohol. For all I know I might regret this in the morning…’ he grabs my hand and pulls me close. ‘No you won’t.’ There is his hot mouth again covering mine, his tongue searching for mine in a hungry, passionate way. I hadn’t even noticed that we reached his car. He pushes me against it, starts kissing my neck… Oh my, he is getting me so heated up. I feel his hips push against mine and what I feel is not in a haze at all… I moan at pull his head up for more kisses. Eventually we have to get into the car, which takes a while. He needs directions while driving to my house. I am so excited that I am about to explode of the immense tension around us…

‘Is it here?’ he stops in front of my building and I nod. The look in his eyes is… hopeful. I open the car door and gesture with my hand that he should come with me. He waits until I get out of the car, then parks it and walks with me to the door. I pull him in with me, laughing over his surprised face. He follows me up the stairs to the first floor, where I live. When I open the door to my apartment, he hesitates and looks at me questioningly. ‘Can I come in?’ he asks. I grab his jacket and pull him close to me, taking his ass in both of my hands. ‘First you get me all heated up, riding me against the car and then you expect me to sleep alone?’ I whisper, my voice all thick with lust. He smiles at me and says: ‘But I don’t want to rush things… let’s not go too fast. Maybe we should take it a bit slower this time?’ I roll my eyes. ‘You are unbelievable.’ I say and let go of him. I walk around the room, putting on some lights and soft background music.

I am looking at him, standing across the room. He still has his jacket on and is observing my new home. I kick off my shoes and without a word I start to unbutton my white blouse. Out comes a simple white push up bra that belongs to a tiny white thong which I am also wearing. Per’s eyes get bigger when he sees me undressing. ‘Baby… you don’t have to…’ he doesn’t finish his sentence but watches me taking off the tight black trousers. For a minute we both stand still, our eyes clinging to each other. My bra and thong also come to the floor quickly. Now I stand in front of him totally naked… I let my hair down and walk through the room, his eyes following me, mouth a bit open. ‘Where are you going?’ he asks. I look over my shoulder and answer: ‘I am going to take a shower…’

And so I do. I let the hot water slide down my body and wait. There is the sound of the bathroom door… within minutes he is with me. He lets some water run over his face before taking me in his arms. We exchange long, slow kisses for a while. Suddenly he stops and takes some distance, looking at me. ‘So you said I am unbelievable?!’ I giggle. I get some shower gel and rub it in between my hands, then over my whole body. The fact that he is watching me and the look in his eyes is driving me crazy already. His hands join mine and I moan when I feel his hands on my body again. I get goose pimples in spite of the warm water. He comes closer and closer and pushes me against the wall. ‘Oh I have wanted this for so long… I have missed you so much…’ he whispers in my ear with a horny voice. My body twists and turns… I want him; I have waited long enough now. ‘Come on, let’s get out…’ he says. He steps out of the shower, grabs a towel and starts to rub himself dry quickly. He holds a towel for me when I step out as well. He wraps it around me, rubs his hands up and down a bit. I kiss his chest and work my way up to his chin, then to his lips. I loose myself in his kisses again, the towel falls to the floor. He starts to walk away from me, still kissing and I follow.

‘Where is the bedroom?!’ he whispers. I giggle and lead him in the right direction. When we reach the bed, he pushes me down fast and crawls on top of me. His hands slide across my skin, from my knee up until he reaches my breasts. He takes them in his hands and squeezes them softly, then starts to kiss my nipples. I let my hands go through his hair and watch him. I feel all warm inside with love for him, and I pull his head up in need for more kisses. I stop him just before he reaches my lips. ‘I really love you.’ I say while looking into his eyes. His eyes are lit up when he smiles. ‘I will never let you go again, ever!’ he replies and then kisses me. I wrap my legs around him and turn my hips around until I find what I want, and then he is inside me. He carefully starts to push, watching my face closely. ‘Mmmm…’ I sigh. Finally I have him there again.

He builds up the rhythm slowly and I feel his hands on me everywhere. My hands are also exploring, finding his ass and moulding it firmly. I feel the muscles in his inner thighs shake… the expressions on his face also prove he can’t hold on much longer. I encourage him to increase the tempo by moving my hips up and down in his rhythm. There is his face in my ear, his mouth in my neck… a bite in my shoulder… A cry escapes his mouth and I feel him come inside me. He breathes heavily, kissing my neck, my face and mouth. He lies down beside me, his head on my breast, hand caressing my body. I could never have predicted this would happen, and so soon! I am perfectly happy, I am where I belong. Then I hear something… a sob? I pull up his face. A tear slides down his cheek… ‘Hey…’ I sit up and he literally falls into my arms, holding me, crying softly. ‘What’s wrong?’ I ask, totally struck by surprise. He calms down a bit a wipes away the tears, then smiles. ‘Nothing. Nothing’s wrong…. It’s just…’ he sighs. He takes my face in both his hands and kisses my forehead. ‘You make me so happy. Please stay with me for ever this time.’ I smile and nod, he doesn’t have to worry about that.

We curl up to each other under the blankets. He is out like a light almost immediately. I wait for a few minutes until I am sure he is asleep. Then I sneak out of the bed, to the living room. I get my mobile phone out of my purse. Maria has sent me an SMS. ‘SO?!’ it says. I send a message back: ‘BINGO!’


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