The Big L.

After a long, hard day of work at the university I drove home all alone. Cigarette in hand, music playing loud. Roxette’s latest CD relaxes me after a day like that. Of course all long days in school and work are hard. Especially because I still didn’t reach my goal after a year full of hard days.

I am a student at The Stockholm School for Classical Dance, the best way to become an international respected artist. The title of the school refers to classical dance, ballet that is. But since 1950, when the school was founded, lots of things changed. Nowadays you can study a variety of dance-forms there. Besides that, I am a teacher in a gym and teach 2 lessons of aerobics for 3 nights a week; one cannot live from just breathing the air right! Of course I also want some fun in my life so I recently got a job in an office as a secretary, or more as a slave to be exact. My boss is the most respected lawyer in all of Stockholm. He has many famous and rich clients. He is always persistent about clothes; skirt is the rule and absolutely not too short. Blouse + skirt are very boring but I like to play with that a bit. So I always wear extra sexy underwear when I dress boring for work…

I finally reach my home. I have a small apartment in the busy centre of Stockholm. It’s old and tiny but I love it. Its 18.00 o’clock and I am so done with this day, school was very hard and I feel every muscle in my body complaining. When I enter the living room (1 of the 2 rooms in my house, the other one is the bedroom) I gaze at the phone and shout in horror. I have a message on my machine. I hate to get messages when I feel so tired. It’s the lawyer. Business diner in which I was supposed to attend, tonight. He’ll pick me up at 19.00. That’s in an hour! Oh terrible, terrible life. I hit the showers to let the hot water calm down my stressed body and mind and I wonder what I should wear.

I’ll go for the black see-trough underwear and – what every woman should have – the little black dress. My boss will fuss about the length but that’s his problem tonight. I will do more writing than eating anyway. I roll up my long hair (I painted it very dark red, makes me look a bit scary in too little light, ha ha ha!) and put on my high heeled boots as the doorbell rings. “Hurry up Patty! We must go right away!” I hate it when he calls me Patty. His former slave was named Patty and he is still not over the fact that she left the office. But it seems to keep him satisfied to call me Patty so I leave it at that.

In the car he explains we are having dinner at someone’s house, someone very famous and respected. This someone is going to handle a divorce so I should be extra kind to him. I try not to sigh. Another boring man somewhere in his fifties that found a girl in her twenties that amuses him, so now he wants to divorce his wife. Such a pity I am wearing this dress. Johan, my boss, brought my looks with him tonight, not my skills.

When we stop I am surprised. “Is it here?” I ask him and he confirms it. “You could have walked it but this way you wouldn’t be late.” I decide to ignore that. As I get out of the car I suddenly realize where we are. This is just a few blocks away from my place and another reason why I like it so much: this is Strandvägen and Per Gessle lives in this building!

Johan seems to know exactly where we going. He walks up to nr. 39 and hits the doorbell where it says “Nordin”. “Yes?” I can recognize that voice in every overcrowded place. That’s him. That’s the man whose picture has been hanging on my walls ever since I was 13 years old (I am 21 now). “Hi Per, we’re here,” my boss says in a nice voice, which I never heard from him before. Per opens the door and we walk into the hall. There is an elevator and Johan leads me into it. “Be a bit fun to this man ok, he’s having a hard time. Try to make him enjoy this meeting as well.” I am not listening. When the elevator stops, Johan gets out. “Well are you coming or what?” I can only nod, following him to a door that opens slowly. Per comes out and gives Johan a big hug. Johan actually smiles and the two men are obviously close friends. Per is looking very good, not stressed at all in my opinion. Luckily Johan introduces me so I don’t have to say anything. I smile shyly as Per shakes my hand. My whole body starts to glow… HE SHOOK MY HAND!!! Oh God, I want this man to wake up with every morning, I realize that once more.

He shows us to the living room and offers a drink. “And for you, Patty?” I come back to my sense and start stuttering “Ehhhm w-water please” I seemed to have lost all the Swedish classes I ever took. My boss is busy taking out some paperwork while I hear Per making coffee in the kitchen. Then I hear breaking glass and a loud “Shit”. My boss looks at me and points his finger: I have to go and help him. In the kitchen I find Per on his knees try to pick up all the tiny pieces of broken glass on the floor. He just dropped a glass vase or something that was in the way. When he sees me, he smiles and makes excuses. I feel like everything is slow motion as I kneel and help him.

He asks me what my job is at Johan’s office and I whisper to him; “I’m one of Johan’s slaves. It’s also called a secretary. Oh, and my name is Anna.” He gives me another breathtaking smile and nods. “I was curious how he could find 3 Patty’s in a row.” We bring the coffee in together. Johan tells me to try to note everything that seems useful. I open his portable computer on my lap and open some documents. Johan sums up what we have to discuss. Per and his future ex are almost ready to go to court, things are nearly sorted out. I hand Johan his notes from another meeting with Per. In all my actions I try to avoid his gaze, meeting his eyes seems too much to bear. This man makes me so weak, I feel like I completely exist of desire. My mind would love to wander around in fantasies with Per and me but I have to focus on my job.

After a while, Per suggests having dinner. He fixed some simple pasta this evening, especially for us. We sit down at the dinner table and he brings in the plates. I say and eat very little; I can only try not to stare at him. I get a bit more at ease now, my nervous feelings turn into nothing but loving thought for this genius man. After the dinner Johan gives me another of his looks and so I help Per to clean up. When we are alone in the kitchen, he thanks me for my help. All I can do is answer with a sweet and shy smile I can’t help it. Per asks me what it is like working for Johan, in a low voice so he can’t hear us. His voice sounds extremely sexy and he is so close to me. I feel warmth coming from between my thighs. I try to ignore it and answer “Well he’s ok. He’s a slave driver but honest and he pays well.” Per comes closer and whispers “I heard he likes to decide what his secretaries should wear” and he looks at me with naughty eyes. I can barely stay on my feet. “He’s not bad,” I tell him, “He just wants us to wear skirts that are very un-sexy so his clients don’t get distracted” he tries to laugh quietly. He walks out of the kitchen whispering “So why are you allowed to wear this then” in my ear.

We settle at the dining room to get into business again. When I sit down I feel my panties are wet. Stupid whispering game got me so horny its probably pouring out of my eyes. I try not to look at Johan. He seems to know me quite well, despite the fact I only know him for a few weeks. They talk a lot and I type a lot. When they come to a financial issue, Johan suggests that I get out on the balcony for a smoke. It’s a relief to be able to get Per out of my sight for a few minutes. It takes quite a while and when I just lit my second cigarette, I hear the balcony door. “He went to the toilet so I came to tell you that you can also smoke inside, I don’t mind. It’s just that I want to discuss financial business only with him.” I slowly inhale some smoke and nod. “Very smart. I’m apeshit with money.” He looks into my eyes. “Can I ask you a personal question?” I am a bit startled. “Sure if I get one back.” I reply. He rolls his eyes. “Ok you got me in a corner here. But you can ask me all you want. I would like to know where you come from. You don’t sound like you’re from around here.” I feel disappointed for a few seconds. My Swedish is not as good as I thought. “You’re right, I’m not, I’m import! But I’ve been living here for more than a year now. Actually I come from Holland.” His eyebrows rise. “That’s not a decision one makes every day! How did you come to that?” I smile at him, thinking of all the nights when he comes to me in my dreams. “School did, I am a student. And that also makes me just a part-time slave at Johan’s office!”

We have to go back to the dinner table that has been transformed to a meeting table. Papers lay everywhere. The men continue to talk; I note loads and loads of words. I am like a robot and don’t even read what I write down. Later I can always review the text. Now I let my mind go and have a nice daydream about Per and all the things I want to do to and with him. It’s about 22.00 when they’re finally ready to wrap things up. Per convinces us to have another drink with him and he opens a bottle of wine. I take one glass for the fun of it.

We sit and chat for a while. Actually Johan is mostly talking and seems to have forgotten about me completely. He also drinks most of the wine and gets a bit drunk. It’s getting late and Per decides to call him a taxi. “You’re not in state to drive Johan, you can pick up your car tomorrow” I assure him when he struggles. We wave at him when he leaves. Now I have to say goodbye to Per too, after a night that is no longer a dream. He is very true. “Shall I walk you home, it’s very late?” He is asking me something I could never turn down. We walk the few blocks to my house. It’s a beautiful clear night and not cold. “So let’s get on with the interesting conversation we started on the balcony. What are you studying, Anna?” I don’t know why but I blush when he says my name. Good thing it’s quite dark. I tell him what I do, short and simple. “And besides that I work at Johan’s office and I give some aerobic classes.” He seems to be impressed. “So you are a dancer. Explains your great shape.” That plain compliment makes me shiver and I feel my face heat up from blushes again.

We reach my apartment far too soon in my opinion. “Well this is my building. But we can’t stop now; I am entitled to ask you a personal question.” He stands beside me at the door and my eyes are filled with nothing but his face. We are very close and it feels great having him so near and all to myself. “Why are you leaving you wife?” I blurt it out. He looks surprised, as he did not expect such a question at all. “Well, uh…” he thinks and turns away, gazing into the streets, as they should provide the answer. “Maybe… well you should ask her why she is leaving me. She’s the one that got bored and found someone else to keep her busy now.” For the first time that evening he seems to show some emotion. This man could never bore me and I feel guilty. “I’m sorry,” I whisper “it was a rude question.” He shakes his head with closed eyes, suddenly looking tired “No it wasn’t, you had the right to an honest answer.” There is his smile again and my knees feel weak. For a few moments I don’t know what to say. Then I break the silence. “Well I should go in. Johan is expecting me to be fresh and fruity tomorrow by 8.30” “Yes you do that” he answers “Sleep well.” As if I could…

Before he can try either to shake my hand or walk away, I bend over and reach for his lips. I steal a kiss from him, so unexpectedly that he doesn’t has the time to think of kissing me back, even if he wanted to. I press my lips against his for a split second and it feels so wonderful. His mouth feels very soft and I love the way he smells. I smile to him and whisper “Bye” with red cheeks. I open the door and get in quickly. When I close it I hear him say “Wait! Anna!” my heart pounds when I go back and open the door again. He looks a bit startled, cheeks red too. “I do not even know your last name.” I say it a bit too loud “Green”. “Green?” he replies. I nod “As in the colour.” He comes closer. “Well Anna Green I would like to see you again. Can you do me a pleasure and give me your phone number?” my heart starts to race even more. Oh I can bring him so much pleasure! I get a piece of paper and a pen out of my bag and write it down. I hand it to him. “Thank you” he comes closer, I know he is going to kiss me. This kiss is not stolen; it’s carefully planned and feels very inviting. I open the door and pull him into the hallway. “A man like you shouldn’t be kissing some unknown girl in the street” I tell him. He takes my face in his hands. “I can’t help myself, I’ve wanted to kiss you all night” he whispers and I almost melt. I feel his breath on my cheek when he kisses me again. I slip my tongue into his mouth and we start exploring. He feels so soft and I will never forget the sweet smell of his skin. Our tongues play games and suddenly he seems to get more anxious to feel mine. I figure he’s discovered my piercing and I smile. His sounds tell me he likes what he tastes. I end the kiss and look up at him. “Would you care for another night-cap Mr. Gessle?” I ask him in a tantalizing voice. He groans as he kisses my neck.

I take his hand and lead him up to the stairs. My apartment is on the second floor. I open the door nervously, he’s watching every move. We hang our coats beside the door and I show him to the living room. I quickly light some candles while he compliments my decorating. “You’ve been able to do a lot with very little, its beautiful!”

As I am used to do, I take of my boots because I have a wooden floor and I want to stay friends with the neighbours beneath me. He approaches me, takes some hair out of my face and strokes it back. “So what about that night-cap?” I grin and wrap an arm around his waist. “I thought maybe you could be my night-cap” I whisper to him. He’s much taller than I am, especially because I got rid of my high heels. “Mmm you bad woman” he says and starts kissing me again. His hands slowly start to find their way over my body. I do the same, going under his T-shirt to feel the soft hair on his chest. I make him take it of and I start kissing the new revealed naked skin in front of me. I feel his desire when he presses against me and I know erections never lie! His hands hold my ass in a tight grip and I feel the hunger inside me growing stronger. I take some distance to catch my breath. I put one hand on his manly pride and I squeeze it a little. He sighs deeply “You make me go crazy Anna. Please tell me that I can have you, I can’t wait anymore” I smile and walk away from him. I leave him standing in the middle of the small room, without a shirt and a hard-on caught inside his pants. I put on some soft music and slowly unzip my dress. I let it slide on the ground. He looks at me with hazed eyes, breathing fast. I lay myself down on the big sofa and he walks towards me. He kneels beside the sofa to kiss me again first. He touches my neck and goes down to my breasts. My nipples are hard because of my excitement and I groan into his mouth when he starts to play with one. He places his mouth over it and starts to caress it trough my thin bra.

My hands go trough his hair and I look at him. His pretty face with his eyes almost closed, focusing on my nipple. This is unbelievable and I get scared for a few seconds. Is this stupid? Should I just have said goodbye at the door? What if he finds out I am a fan? What if this goes the wrong way? He is just on his way down, kissing my belly. When he wants to take of my panties, I stop him. I sit up straight and try to catch my breath. “Per, stop, please stop…” he looks at me and his eyes tell me that he senses my fear. “Is something wrong? Is this not what you wanted?” I can’t say anything. Suddenly I feel my throat getting thicker and tears well in my eyes. I can’t speak. He comes to sit beside me on the sofa and wraps an arm around me. “Are you all right? Am I going too fast?” He’s worried that he has done something wrong. “Something tells me we can’t do this” I finally manage to say. He looks disappointed but tries to hide it. “Should we stop?” he asks me. “You are a beautiful girl Anna, I got carried away by lust. I’m sorry if I scared you.” He stands up and wants to put his T-shirt back on.

I walk up to him. “You can never scare me. I was just…” I seek for the right words. “I mean, you are still married, you are so famous…. I am just some student.” I want to say, “What will happen afterwards” but I can’t because he is kissing me again. “I want this moment with you Anna, can you enjoy it too?” I nod and smile. This feels so good, I want this so much and I decide to just let it happen. I take his hand and lead him into my bedroom. I take of my underwear and he undresses as well. It feels like being partners in crime, watching each other undress and knowing what will happen next. We lay on the bed together and I take the opportunity to study every part of his body. It’s obvious that he works out. His skin is very soft everywhere. I push him on his back and climb on top of him. I cover his chest in kisses and work my way down. His hands untie my hair and he goes trough it with his hands.

When I reach the lower parts of his body I start to do all the things I dreamed of until now. I take his penis into my mouth and start sucking and moving. A friend of me once said that when you blow a man that’s not clean on himself, it’s as disappointing as eating an unripe banana. This was not what I was finding. The sounds that he made told me that I was going well. I went back up and sat on him. There was only one thing left in my mind: I had to have him inside me. I whispered it in his ear. He groaned and his desire flamed out of his body. His hand where everywhere. He got hold of my hips and tried to move me in the right position. “No you’re not, I am in charge now” I say and I grab his hands and hold them over his head. Of course he is much stronger than I am but he lets me do it. I move my hips and tease him a bit. Then I let one hand go. My hand goes into a drawer of the nightstand that is beside my bed. I find a condom in there. I reach down and it takes me almost no time to get it where it’s supposed to be. Then I get back in position. With a little help of my hand, I get him inside me. I lean forward to kiss him. I feel my whole body getting warm and when I look into his eyes, I know this was a good decision.

We take our time; there is now rush. He uses his thumb and makes me come more than once, while sitting on him. I feel great, all fuzzy and warm inside. He gets a firm grip on me and in one move, he turns us around and he is on top of me. It feels good to have such a strong man between my thighs. He’s moving in and out me in a dazzling slow rhythm. I softly encourage him to go faster. I whisper in his ear and kiss him. He groans and does as I tell him to. When he reaches his climax, he holds me very tight and a low scream comes from very deep.

We lay there for about a minute, his head is buried in my hair. Slowly he loosens himself from me. He carefully removes the condom and gets rid of it. He comes to lie beside me under the soft blankets and we kiss and cuddle for a while. We don’t need any words at all. I feel on top of the world, I can’t believe this really happened! I don’t dare to close my eyes, afraid of waking up and find out it was all a dream.

I get out and make us some tea. We drink it in bed and I smoke a cigarette. He smokes it with me. He can’t stop touching me; his hands are on my body the whole time. He puts his face in my hair. “I never had sex this passionate before” he says in a low voice that makes me warm up again. I smile at him; I feel so tired and so good at the same time. When we have finished our tea, I put out the lights and lay comfortably in his arms. “I have a riddle for you” I say in the darkness. “Mmm and what is that?” I can’t refuse a giggle when I ask him if he has any idea how many years are between us. He is silent for a moment; I can almost hear him think. “Well I can take a wild guess but I am not very good at that.” I feel somehow a bit ashamed when I say that I am 21, which half his age. He’s only 2 years younger than my father is but I do not tell him that! He’s stunned. “Really? Are you that young?” for a minute I think I shouldn’t have told him. But then I hear him laugh. “I wish I could tell my friends about that…”

In his arms it’s not hard to fall asleep. I have a deep, dreamless sleep. When I wake up at 6.30 I realize that I forgot to set my alarm. I have a habit of getting up early and I am happy about that now, it’s that habit that keeps me from getting late at work today. When I turn around I find a very handsome, famous and extremely wealthy man in my bed, sleeping like a baby. He’s got all the sheets around him and looks very sweet. I try not to make a sound and get into the shower. Standing under the hot water I find it a pity to wash his scent away. I can’t stop smiling, even though I didn’t get as much sleep as I needed. I get dressed and he is still in a deep sleep. In the living room I find my dress and his T-shirt.

I am all happiness when I make some tea and eat a light breakfast. I hear some noises in the bedroom and then the toilet flushing. He walks into the living room wearing nothing but his underpants and sits beside me on the couch. “Good morning pretty lady” he says and we kiss. I also say good morning. I do not have much to say because I have to get used living in another country every morning, so I can’t really speak Swedish straight from bed. I try to tell him that, stumbling over the words that I can’t find. I am not awake enough! He smiles and makes fun of me. I ignore that. “Did you sleep well? Want some tea?” I ask in English. He nods and laughs at me. He is looking good with sleepy eyes and no clothes on. I give him some tea and then I have to go. I take a spare key out of a drawer and give it to him. He looks surprised. “I have to go to the office or I will be late and Johan will kill me. Be sure to lock the door when you go!” He stands up to give me a big hug. We kiss again and it’s so tempting to get back to bed with him. But I can’t so I loosen myself from him. I whisper in his ear “You know what? I kind of love you!” and then I leave, no time to discuss what I just said.

I drive to the office listening to talk-radio to improve my Swedish. After a whole year I still can’t speak it once I have just woken up. By the time I get to the building from where Johan and his fellow lawyers have their firm, I am almost back to myself again. First thing every morning I get there is starting up the computers and listening to the answering machine. The machine is empty, which is almost impossible. That means I am not the first one here, which never happens. I walk to my desk and start reading the messages. Then I hear Johan in his office, he’s awfully early today! He’s having a very agitated conversation with someone over the phone. When he’s done, he calls me in. “Anna, I want to tell you: yesterday was great! You did very well” he said my name! He didn’t call me Patty! That’s kind of creepy. “Well good morning to you too! Shall I make some coffee?” He smiles, he seems very relaxed. “Yes I’d love that. By the way I just fired Katarina.” I am shocked. “Over the phone? You fired her?” She was always a pain in the ass at the office. “Well Anna you can’t say you are going to miss her, will you?” I confirm that.

Later we sit down with coffee to review the night before. Everything we talk about reminds me of what happened afterwards and I get hot flashes thinking about it. I make notes because after this I have to write out a detailed report about last night… when we are done, I ask Johan why he is such sunshine today. “Did something good happen between midnight and this morning?” I ask him. Maybe he minds me being so nosy but I just have to know. He nods. “Yes indeed, something great happened this morning. But I’ll tell you about that later” he says with a grin and his mobile rings.

The rest of the day is as odd as the night before. Johan is definitely not himself and I get the creeps every time the phone rings. It was Per who called Johan on his mobile this morning so now I am afraid that he will call the office. Since Katarina won’t be here anymore, I have to answer the phone. On my lunch break I check my e-mail. The new time tables for school are a mess, we will only have classes from 14.00 to 17.00 from now on and that excludes training. For me that mean that I have to make more time for training. Maybe I even have to give up one of my jobs. I talk to Johan about it when he comes back from an outdoors meeting. We agree that I will work only mornings from now on. I tell him that I can work five days if I quit my other job. Johan pays better anyway and then I can train in the evenings.

I leave the office at four because I have to teach two classes at the gym today. I tell them that I want to quit in about two weeks. When I get home at about 22.00 I am totally exhausted. Per left a note on the dining table and my heart starts to race when I see it. “Anna, I have to see you again. I am thinking about you all the time, please call me. Per” and his mobile number is under that. I can’t believe it. Per Gessle left me his phone number! The moment I sit down there is a knock on the door. It’s my neighbour from downstairs, Mrs Andersson. She’s a bit old but takes good care of me. Maybe a bit too good… “Hej dear, I just wanted to give you this. You’re not working too hard are you?” she babbles. Before I can say anything she gives me a newspaper. “You should be a bit more careful darling, if you know what I mean. I am not the only one who watches what goes on in this building. Well I’ll leave you now, you look tired. Good night dear!” and she is gone. I stand in the door for a few seconds to get a grip of myself. The newspaper head says “Perfect marriage to break up – Pop King Gessle leaves his wife”

I get very afraid of what Mrs Andersson told me. Before I can think about it, I pick up the phone and dial Per’s number. He picks up instantly “Yes?” I hesitate. “Per? Hej it’s Anna…” he is silent first and then says “Just a moment” and I hear him talking to someone and some noises. Then he’s somewhere outside and I hear birds. “Hello, I was hoping that you would call me. I missed you all day long.” He says in a low voice. I get very aroused by only hearing his voice. “I… I missed you too. I…” I stumble over the words. “All this day I was wondering if it really happened.” I can hear he’s walking and I hear other voices. “Listen, I can’t talk right now, I am visiting a friend…. Oh well you know her, I am at Marie’s house. But I really have to talk to you.” I interrupt him “did you see Expressen tonight?” he is silent again “No. Something wrong?” I can’t say it, somehow I’m speechless. “When can I see you? Are you at home tonight?” I glance at the clock. It’s 23.00 and I should go to bed, I have school tomorrow and training at 9.00. But I give in; I will never be able to refuse him. “Ok, where can we meet?” I manage to say. “Just a minute. He covers the phone with his hand and discusses something on the background. I wonder if Åsa is there, if Marie knows, I wonder many things in those few seconds. Then he comes back. “Why don’t you take a cab and come over here, that way I won’t have to wander around in you neighbourhood. That’s probably better!” I start to tremble a bit, almost in shock. I have to take a cab to Marie’s house. “But your friends… Marie, does she know?” he laughs “Yes she knows, it’s ok. Just come over and then we will leave straight away to some place quiet. Ok?”

When the taxi arrives I am all dressed up. I am wearing a long, dark red dress and my hair is rolled up again. When I tell the driver the address, I realise that I never asked Per for that. What will he think of that? How can a foreign student know where Marie lives? I get more nervous every minute and I have second thoughts about this meeting. I tell the driver to drop me off one block ahead, I will walk the rest. And so he does. I walk trough Marie’s neighbourhood, I have to go up a hill. I know where she lives, I can find it with my eyes closed. When I almost get there, a terrible feeling becomes me. I left Per at my house this morning. When I reached the office he called Johan. I left some CD’s on the side table. My Roxette collection is in the living room for God’s sake! He has probably seen it all. I have made a fool of myself. I stop, just before I reach the villa where Marie lives. But why the lovely note? Why did he ask me to come here? It’s almost midnight now and the sky is very clear. It’s still warm outside. I don’t know what to do and just stand there on the sidewalk. I am wishing for someone to come around that corner and tell me it’s all right. I wish for the taxi to come back and bring me home. This was all a mistake!

I force myself to walk on. There is no way out. I’ll face him and whoever is there and when we are alone I’ll tell him. I’ll tell him that we have to remember last night as if it was a dream. Won’t be hard for me since I have dreamed of him hundreds of times before. When I reach Marie’s driveway, I am relieved to see him stand at the end. I don’t have to walk to her door. My heart beats faster when I approach him. He comes my way as well and we meet in the middle. He smiles and hugs me. He whispers “Hey you” into my ear. I try to stay strong and remember what I just told myself. I loosen myself from him and watch his face. What is he thinking about? “Can we go now?” I ask him. I feel really uncomfortable on Marie’s driveway, hugging Per. “If that’s what you want, of course” he says. He takes my hand and walks to Marie’s house with me. “Don’t be so nervous, Anna! We won’t go in, I just have to get my car” he detects my fear. The lights are still on in Marie’s house and I hear music and voices coming from the garden. “Is there a party or something?” I ask him. “Yes, kind of. Rich people have parties for no reason you know!” I manage to smile and relax a little. “I’m going to say goodbye to them, just a minute” he walks into the garden, around the house. Few minutes later I hear his voice coming my way. He’s talking to someone, a voice I would recognise out of thousands of others. Marie and Per come around the corner. My knees feel week when I get sight of them together. This absolutely wonderful lady is so close to me and I feel like I’m in a dream. She sees me and waves her hand. She hugs Per and he comes my way. We get into the car and I stare at a waving Marie until she’s out of sight.

We are silent for a while. I don’t know what to say, I feel so strange. There is nothing left of the self-confidence that I build up yesterday. While driving, he takes my hand. His touch makes me jump up and my heart starts racing again. “Why are you so shaky, Anna? Can you tell me that?” he talks to me as if I where his child. “I think this is all a mistake” I blurt out. “I-I don’t know why but…” I search for words, again caught in between the languages that separate our worlds. He looks at me and holds my hand a bit tighter. “I am not surprised to hear that and I’ll tell you why.” I look at him and am completely baffled. He stops the car. We’ve reached a silent picnic spot outside Stockholm. We sit there in the dark. He starts to talk. “When I woke up this morning I felt very good. I felt better than I have felt in years. I saw the paper you mentioned earlier because Marie had it. It was not a perfect marriage at all. The past few years Åsa and I have been nothing more than friends. Since I realised that I have cut myself off from all love I felt. Marie and I had a hard time, I was the worst friend for a while. A saw you many times at Johan’s office but you didn’t even notice me because he is such a slave driver.” Despite my surprise I can smile. He’s right, when I am at the office I work like a maniac and the hours always fly. “What I wanted to say is that Johan didn’t just take you with him to my place to make notes. He was planning to take Katarina but I asked him to take you because I wanted to get to know you.”

He was looking kind of shy, not wanting to look in my eyes. I felt my whole body warm up and my heart filled with love for this man once more. He had stopped talking, still holding my hand. My hand reached for his face and I put up his chin. “I love you, Per.” He bends over to kiss me. This kiss feels even better then all the others did last night. I run my fingers trough his hair and pull him closer to me. We smile and everything seems pretty to me. He looks like he wants to say something but hesitates. “What?” I ask him. “Well…. I don’t know how to say it. I feel very much in love with you, Anna. But I cannot return these words yet.” He looks me in my eyes and I don’t know what to feel. Should this make me sad or happy? “We know each other for two days Per. It’s too early to even say that there is an “us”. But I just felt like saying that.” He smiles at me. “You sound like you mean it.” I nod and confirm that. I don’t know what to say after this. I want to ask him about… if he has any idea…

He starts driving. We are silent for a while. Then he starts talking again, out of the blue he answers my questions. “I saw your collection, Anna. I didn’t mean to go trough your things but I couldn’t refuse once I saw the CD’s on the side-table.” I am afraid of what he might say and hold my breath. “And?” I ask very softly. “And that’s why I was at Marie’s. I needed to see her and needed to discuss the situation with her. I have been feeling so strange lately, like I can’t make any decisions or correct judgements. It’s all stress I think.” He tries to find words. “All I can say about it… I didn’t know. It didn’t occur to me that you could be a fan, the thought never crossed my mind. I always felt like I’ve known you longer because I secretly looked at you at the office.” He smiles in a boyish way, like he’s been caught steeling cookies. “But today I found out that it’s the other way around. You must have been very nervous when Johan brought you to my house!”

We’ve reached my building. “I was terrified,” I confess. “It took me almost all night to get to my senses. Didn’t you notice I was typing like a maniac?!” we laugh over the situation. Then I get serious “I hope it doesn’t change the way you see me?” he takes my face in his hands and looks me in the eyes for what seems an eternity. Then he kisses my lips very softly. His lips are warm and soft and he smells so good. He looks at me again. “I had already fallen in love with you when I found out so now there is no way back for me, is there?” this answer was exactly what I wanted to hear. We get out of the car and he walks with me to the door. I want to invite him in but I also realize we should take this whole thing one step at a time. So I ask him if it’s ok if we give each other some time. Time to think things over. “I will call you, ok? I need some time to myself.” He agrees. Then he bends over to kiss me again, a goodbye kiss after a very strange evening. When his soft lips touch mine I feel week. It’s so tempting, I could ask him to come up, to spend another night… our tongues play and again he finds my piercing. This arouses him even more and he holds me very close to him. I sigh and don’t want to end this kiss ever. He does and looks at me. “Please, call me soon. I need you so much.” Another kiss and then he’s gone. I watch his car drive away.

When I am upstairs I change into comfortable panamas. I smoke a cigarette and listen to the silence. I have a complete new feeling inside me. I haven’t felt this for a long time. I love him and I miss him. I start my computer and sit at my desk for a few hours. At this very moment I still have no idea how this story will continue. This weekend I am just going to relax and then I’ll see what happens.


Leave a comment

Filed under The Big L.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s