A few weeks ago, I decided I deserved some time off. Some time away from work, family and friends asking attention. Impulsive as I am, I started making plans on the day I had that thought. I have a busy job and some arrangements needed to be made. Luckily my boss didn’t make any trouble at all, maybe he saw it coming. Lately I have been feeling like I am only living for work, work and more work. No time for having fun and relaxing! And then people find it strange that I am still single… I booked a flight to Göteborg to visit a friend. From there I took a train to Stockholm and visited another friend. Together we have travelled to the south of Sweden and are now enjoying the sun at Tylösand Beach!
Stockholm, Halmstad, Tylösand… Sweden in general… they all have some special meaning for me. A special meaning which started ages ago, when I was in high school and became a Roxette fan. Every Roxette fan’s wish is to visit Sweden. Most of them do so, that’s why my friend Lina and I were totally NOT surprised when we ran into fans everywhere. Lina is not a fan. She’s a Swedish friend I got in touch with a long time ago, when I was looking for friends in Sweden to write with. I probably have Lina to thank for the biggest part of my CD-collection. Even though she is not a real fan, she knows a lot about Roxette and is always proud when she hears how popular Rox still is… another good thing about being friends with Lina, is that she has a big mouth which gets you anywhere you want. No money? Go out with Lina and you don’t have to pay, neither does she. She will make the men pay haha!
We are staying in Hotel Tylösand. The prices are just criminal here, but since the hostel is full until next week, we choose this location. Just because we can… that’s the bad thing about having a good job and making good money: you get very good at spending it, too! It’s extra exciting for me though, being in Per Gessle’s hotel… well of course not all his but for me it is.
Wednesday. Our second day at Tylösand started out just perfect with an enormous breakfast and blue sky! We went shopping in Halmstad and I bought too many clothes… which was a lot of fun. Tonight we will be partying at the beach club until god knows how late. Tomorrow we will sleep off the hangover on the beach!
With this hangover, the beach was too far… so it was the pool instead. I think I have never been so happy about having a hangover as I am right now! When we went to the pool, it was already a bit later in the afternoon. It was very quiet in the hotel, so we sneaked out of our room with only our bikinis on and towels around out waists. The pool was crowded but we managed to find two empty beds. I let myself fall down on one, ready to either fall asleep or die. God I felt like shit. No more drinks for me, at least for today… I am just about to fall asleep, lying on my belly looking like I just ran around the block six times on top speed, when Lina pinches my arm. “Over there! Look!” she whispers in my ear. I moan and move my head up a tiny bit. I have to take my sunglasses down a bit to believe what I see. Per Gessle is walking into the direction of the pool while having a busy conversation over his mobile phone…
It has been a while since I poked around in the Rox-world. You could say I am not as “up-to-date” as I used to be. It sucks but it’s like that, no time bla bla. Probably that’s the reason I missed the fact that Per was looking so good lately… I sit straight up on the bed, put it up so I can sit and look around. Where did he go?! Then I spot him again. He stood still to write something down, still busy on the phone. Now he has started walking again. He is going to pass the pool on my side, going to pass me on about 3 centimetres distance while I am lying in the sun in my bikini, with lotion all over me making my body shimmer in the sun… I feel an urge to cover myself up. Shit why do I have this habit of wearing sexy bikinis at times I should look interesting and intelligent! Just before he passes me, I look at his face over my sunglasses. At the minute I realize I am staring, he looks back, body-check, eyebrows up, smile… then he passed me. Lina laughs at my face and I smile, am stunned, can’t move. Per Gessle gave me a body-check… I look at his back disappearing into the building. He is done talking on the phone and just before he walks through the door, he looks back right into my eyes. I feel my face get red when I smile at him. He smiles too. Then he’s gone.
My heart is pounding in my chest like crazy and I let go the breath I was holding the whole time. “Shit!” I say out loud. Lina asks if everything is alright. “No!” I shout out. “Everything is not alright! Did you see that?!” no need to ask, Lina sees everything. “He gave you a body check, girl… shit he was looking good!” she says, shaking her head. Then she takes a comfortable position in the bed and seems to be falling asleep.
About half an hour later, the sun starts to hide behind some thick, grey clouds. I try to ignore the little voice in my head saying it will rain soon. I don’t want to get up now. I have just recovered from the Per-shock a bit, let me be! But it does start to rain a few minutes later. It seems as if we suddenly ended up in the rainforest; the rain comes down in immense showers, soaking everything around us. Lina and I scream loudly, pick up our towels and run for the door. Lina slips inside before some other people. When I reach for the door, I bump into someone. “Excuse me” I say as a reflex. “No problem” says a familiar voice. Oh no… I look over my shoulder at the man now holding the door for me: Per! His white t-shirt is soaked, his hair lies flat on his head and I can’t hide a smile. We join the other wet people waiting in the hall and stand beside each other rather silly. His mobile starts to ring again, somewhere in his pocket. It makes a strange noise… when he gets it out of his wet jeans, it falls to the floor. I pick it up and hand it to him. “I’m afraid your phone has not survived the rain…” I say to him. He gives me a funny look which causes my stomach to tickle and sends shivers down my spine. “Thank you…” he says, looking at me questioningly. “Robin.” I say, shaking the hand he holds in front of me. “Nice to meet you, Robin, I am Per.” He replies. Oh what a sweet smile… where are my best lines when I need them… I hear myself say “I know…” and feel my face redden again just after I said it. He just laughs about it, eyes lighting up a bit.
Suddenly Lina appears out of nowhere. “Hello! I was searching for you! So you are making friends with the other rain-victims?!” she says and then introduced herself to Per. The rain has stopped as sudden as it started and the people around us start to walk to the pool again to check out the things they left behind. I feel a bit weak in the knees and realize it has been too long since Lina and I ate something. Probably last night before the booz hit us… I tell Lina we should go upstairs to eat something. She already starts walking but I can’t get myself to step away from Per. “Well… see you…” I say and wave at him. “Yes, I hope so.” He says calmly and just stands there, watching us walk away. I look back a few times and see he is still watching us.
Lina and I spend the evening at the hotel, sitting on the terrace of Leif’s Lounge, enjoying a book first and later some music. Lina convinced me to look extra good tonight, just in case. Because “we might run into interesting people”… And we do, but not that one person I was hoping to meet. We have a lot of fun – without alcohol – and hit the pillow quite late. When I wake up the next morning, I remember only parts of a dream I had just before I woke up. The only thing I keep seeing when I close my eyes is Per in that wet shirt…
Lina wakes up by the time I am showered, dressed and ready to go sightseeing in the neighbourhood. She is not at all feeling as good as I am, within minutes after waking up, she is hanging with her head over the toilet, throwing up. When it becomes silent in the bathroom, I go in and hand her a towel. She is sitting on the floor and looks very pale. “Good morning…” I say carefully. “Where did that come from?” she sighs and shakes her head. I help her to bed and put a bucket beside it. She is shaking and sweating and moans of pain in her stomach. I hold a small towel drenched in cold water on her forehead, trying to calm her. She keeps twisting and turning in the bed. “Shall I ask the reception to send a doctor?” I ask. She hasn’t spoken a word yet, now she only nods. So I call the reception desk and explain the situation. The doctor is already in the hotel and he will come to the room as soon as possible. This is a surprise to me, what is a doctor doing hanging around in a hotel?! The girl at the reception explains that they always have someone “on call”. The doctor who is on call today happens to have a day off from his normal work and now he spends the day at the hotel, probably enjoying the sun.
About 10 minutes later, the doctor arrives. I stay with Lina while he examines her. He asks her about what we ate last night, what we did all day and so on. His conclusion is food poisoning. Not because of what we ate, but the combination of that with the weather, the alcohol and so on might have caused an allergy to something. He advices her to rest a lot, don’t stay in the sun for too long and only eat healthy. If the pain in her stomach doesn’t go away in two days, she should see a doctor again and do some tests for food allergies. He gives her some medicine to calm down her stomach.
After this rather strange start of the day, I go downstairs to eat a quick breakfast. I go back to Lina, who has thrown up again. I sit by her bed for a while. “You don’t have to stay…” she whispers. “Of course I have to, you are my friend!” I say, looking up from my book. She seems to be falling asleep. But then she says: “Now I feel guilty. Please go out, enjoy the sun, and hunt Per Gessle!” I laugh at her. “But then I would feel guilty for you laying here!” after a while we agree that I will go down and she’ll call me on my mobile when she needs something. A little worried, I leave her a few minutes later. I take my book to the pool, again. It’s already starting to bore me a bit, hanging by the pool, doing nothing, especially all alone.
At the pool it’s very busy although nobody is actually swimming. I jump in first and swim around. Wow, I am actually doing something sportive on vacation… Later I have confiscated a bed and lay in the sun reading, when someone comes to stand beside me. “Hello… Robin wasn’t it?” Per Gessle says. My heart skips a beat and I forget to smile. I must look silly with my mouth open… “Hello! Yes, how are you…” is all I can think of. “Do you mind if I join you?” he asks, taking a small stool (the thing you put your feet on). “No, not at all!” I quickly say. I take off my sunglasses. “Alone today?” he asks and I explain what happened this morning. “Oh, that’s sad! Was it because of something she ate here?” he says worried. “I don’t think so; I think it has more to do with bad habits such as laying in the sun all day, drinking too much, eating junk food, going out every night, not enough sleep…” I sum up the things we did lately. Then we are silent. He looks at some children playing in the pool while I am thinking of a subject to talk about. Shit. I used to have all these things in my head to say when I would meet him. I have thought about being alone with him so many times, being able to talk to him and ask him all those questions I have. Now that I am in that situation, all I can do is think of him in a wet shirt… “Now I would ask if you come here often, but I guess that sounds a bit stupid.” I say and smile at him. He smiles back, causing goose bumps on me. God I really have to get a grip, otherwise he will think I am some kind of freak! “Well then I’ve got one for you: I think we have met before…” he says, using another pick up line. I laugh, taking it as a joke and say I haven’t heard that one for some time. “But I really think I have seen you before! Where are you from?” now I am confused. What should I say; yes I have met you in some German city last year? And I was waiting outside the hotel in Brussels? He can’t remember that, he just can’t. Still I have to be honest with him… “We have met before but I didn’t expect you to remember. I went to some concerts last year… some concerts of some Swedish pop group…” now I see him frown. “Was it that? Really? So you are from…?” “Holland” I finish his sentence. “Aha. But we didn’t play there.” I nod. “Big mistake. But no problem, there are trains between Holland and Germany.” I say, looking at him teasingly. He replies with a big smile and I see him glance at my breasts (tucked away in a small bikini) from behind his sunglasses. Oh dear where is this going…
It seems as if he doesn’t really know what to say next, so I mention the train trip Stockholm-Karlstad. He starts to nod and points in my direction. “I remember seeing you on the train back to Stockholm. I wasn’t sure if all those people were fans, but when I got in and the conversation around me stopped, I was pretty sure!” I blush when I think back of that moment. I was putting my bag away, on top of some other bags which made me reach above my head. I just started worrying about my jeans being low-waist and my t-shirt sliding up, when he entered the compartment. A friend called my name; I was standing in his way. When I turned my head, I looked into Per’s smiling face. I stuttered something and moved. He and some band members passed me and that was it. And now he says he remembers me from the train. So low-waist jeans do work hahaha! “I was the one standing in the way…” I say to him when I dare to look at him again. He has taken off his sunglasses too. Now he looks into my eyes directly and it is his turn to blush. I don’t let go of his eyes and it seems to take ages before he looks away.
My mobile rings making us both almost jump up. I pick up right away, it’s Lina. “How are you?” I ask. “Ok, I slept from the moment you left until now.” she sounds better already. “No more running to the toilet?” I ask her with a smile. “Nope! So what are you doing, are you at the pool?” I try not to laugh, she told me to go to the pool and haunt Per Gessle. Now look at me, having his attention totally. “Yes I am. Do you want me to come up?” “No no, I’m fine, I will take a shower now and just sit and read for a while. Maybe you can get me something light to eat later on. You are sounding strange, are you alone?” I grin. “No.” now she is getting interested. “Who is with you, a man?” she asks and I confirm. “I have taken up on your advice. Do you remember what you said when I left?” now she laugh out loud. “So you have just picked up Per Gessle?!” she says, not believing it. “Yes I have my dear, it is working out fine. Now I have to go, call me when you get hungry ok?” I say. With Lina still laughing on the other side, I put down the phone.
“I…” he starts. I look at his face, eyes hidden behind the sunglasses again. I try to look a bit more confident than I feel. He seems to forget what he wanted to say, hesitates. I smile at him and my smile gets even bigger when I see him blush. “I should go…” he finally says. He looks into my eyes for a little too long and I get uncomfortable. I want something to happen now; I can’t take these games anymore! The beating of my heart gets louder and louder when I put out my hand and touch his, which is lying on his knee. I squeeze it shortly. He looks at my hand, then smiles. He takes my hand in his and strokes it a bit. “Are you going to be around for a while longer?” he asks. I nod. “Would you… like to have a drink with me sometime?” I nod again, bright smile on my face. I try to say something but the beating of my heart is so deafening, I can’t even hear my own thoughts. I am stunned when he places a soft kiss on my hand before he leaves. I watch him walk away with fast, big steps…
I sat at the pool for about an hour, completely lost in my thoughts, lifted from the ground. I told Lina the whole story while we ate some late lunch together on the beds in our room. She is watching my face as if I come from another planet. “Shit girl, this is getting serious!” It hits me suddenly, that she is right. It is getting really serious. And while I am trying not to worry about what has to happen next, she starts to sum up all the fears I should have. “He is a famous pop star, you’re a fan, he’s about 20 years older than you are, he lives in Sweden… wife, kid… do I have to go on?” I shake my head. “No! Stop! I don’t want to hear it! I am falling in love Lina, let me…” she sighs. “You will get hurt babe, I want to prevent that…” she’s right again, but I don’t want to hear about it.
Nevertheless she has tempered my happiness. The rest of the day is quite boring and so is the evening. It is Friday night for god’s sake and I am in bed at ten already, watching some silly Swedish movie.
In the following days, we explore the area a bit, visiting some cute small cities. We do some shopping and I buy a stunning white summer dress. The fabric is light, almost see-though and has different layers where you need them – the area’s where you don’t want it to be see-through. It follows the contours of my body perfectly and makes my skin tan look even better. I feel very sexy in it and decide I should wear this on my date with Per… shit there is in my thoughts again. It is already Monday; days have gone by without a sign from him. Should I get worried? Or is he just busy? Should I look for him? Or should I forget about it… so many questions, I am trying not to think about.
After a very good but also exhausting shopping day, we arrive at the hotel around nine in the evening. We let ourselves drop down on the bed and throw the shopping bags on the floor. “We should eat something, I am starving.” Lina says with closed eyes. “Oh shit, my feet hurt!” I complain. It takes some time but after a quick shower and changing clothes (from t-shirts and shorts to tank tops and summer dresses); we manage to reach the restaurant of the hotel at about a quarter to ten. We are lucky; the kitchen is not closed yet so we quickly order something simple to eat.
Later, Leif’s Lounge bar.
We are having a great time at the bar because we ran into some Dutch tourists. I am having fun speaking Dutch again (after almost 3 weeks!) and Lina is getting a lot of attention from two of them. They seem to be not at all interested in me which is fine, which is perfect actually because I am not interested and not in the mood. I go to the toilet and when I am back in the hallway, I can just see Per walking by. “Hey!” I say and he turns around. His face seems to light up when he smiles. “Hello! How are you!” he says and comes my way. We stand in front of each other rather silly, not knowing how to complete the greeting… then he hugs me shortly like the Swedish tradition simply is. As if my feet leave the ground for a second… “Haven’t seen you here for a few days.” I try to make conversation. He confirms, telling me he was out of town. “How about a drink at the bar?” I hear myself say. He looks around him, than back at me. “Is it busy there?” he asks. Shit I forgot. He’s famous… going to Leif’s Lounge when it’s busy is probably not a good idea… but it’s Monday and the pub is quite silent. “Come on; let me buy you a drink!” I go on. He laughs. “Ok! But I have to do something first, I will be right back!”
Back at the bar I am happy to see that it is still not very busy in there, just a few small groups are sitting at tables. Most of them are outside. The bar is empty except for Lina and “her” Dutch men. I take my seat next to her, wait until she finished her sentence and then I whisper into her ear “I have invited Per for a drink, he is on his way.” She lets out a little scream and cheers for me. When Per walks in after a few minutes, Lina is taking her party outside and all of a sudden I am the only one sitting at the bar. Per takes a seat beside me. “How did you do this?!” he asks, looking around the empty bar. “I just told them you were coming over to sing a song on the stage outside,” I say laughing.
After some wine (him) and rum-cola (me) it’s getting a bit late. My last two drinks have been water; I was starting to really feel the rum in my blood when I stood up to go to the toilet. After some drinks, our shyness disappeared and now we can’t stop talking. I tell about my job and life in Holland, he talks about the hotel and especially the gallery which obviously makes him very proud. When I am laughing about one of his funny anecdotes again, I spill some water on my skirt. He gets a napkin from the bar and starts to dry it. I watch his hand going over my leg, then take the napkin from him. “Shit, let me do it… do I seem drunk?!” I say softly. Our hands meet somewhere on my lap and he doesn’t want to let go. He squeezes my hand firmly like it did with him a few days ago. The conversation goes silent after that. The bar is quite busy now and I actually want to be alone with him… when I look up at him and I see that amazing smile again, I ask if he wants to come with me for a walk along the beach. He seems to be thinking about it, looking into my eyes for a moment. Then he nods. “Sure… let’s go!”
We leave the building, walk towards the beach and start to walk along the waterline. We don’t talk much. Per says he loves this beach, I hum a reply. Every time he looks at me, I have to smile, can’t help it! I decide I have to take action. I am going crazy about him, even though we have just met and I have to let him know. Now that it’s already past midnight, the beach is silent. I take his hand in mine and stand still. He holds on, then turns around, looking at me questioningly. I pull him towards me, not saying anything. When he is close, I stand on my toes and kiss his mouth softly, and again. I smell his aftershave. His lips are warm and soft, I can’t wait to taste more… he seems to be startled, just looking at me surprised, not moving. I try to smile sexy although I can’t think anymore; my heart is pounding too loud. I let go of him and continue to walk, letting him stand there.
After a silent moment, he joins me and takes my hand. We walk silently for a while, holding hands. I feel a bit like a schoolgirl, walking around the playground holding hands with her boyfriend. I pull him away from the water and suggest sitting down. I am a bit worried about the kiss. He hasn’t said anything about it and seems to avoid my eyes. “Per… was it a bad idea… that kiss?” I ask out of the blue. I love it when alcohol makes me so confident! He smiles and shakes his head. “I’m sorry; I’m just… surprised I think… I didn’t expect…” he stutters a bit, getting red. Oh my now he is even more adorable! “I really like you.” I say, before he has the chance to finish his sentence. He strokes away some hair the wind blew into my face. “I really like you, too…” he whispers. “But this is a bit fast, don’t you think?” I shake my head and lean to his. “I hate slow progress…” I say softly just before his lips touch mine. God he feels good. I have to remember to keep breathing, while I feel his tongue slide over my lips and enter my mouth. I let myself fall down on my back slowly, pulling him with me. He lies beside me, does not stop kissing me. I let out a short sigh when I feel one of his hands on my belly, getting under my top a bit. He caresses my belly, going up slowly. His hands are big and soft and when he touches me I get goose bumps all over me. He does not go further than caressing my stomach, slows down the kisses a bit and then finally loosens himself from me.
We look at each other for a while, catching our breath and giggling as teenagers. He plays with my hair, carefully studying my face. “I think I am falling in love…” he says softly. I look at him with big eyes, biting my lower lip. “Really?” I manage to say. He nods, looking so sweet it makes me sigh again. “But…” I start. “Shhh…” he says and covers my mouth with his again. I can’t do anything against that. It feels good to have him so close. His kisses, his perfume, his hands… I go completely crazy for him. “I want you…” I whisper in between kisses. I feel his hand slide across my knee, going up, caressing my inner thigh… oh god I can’t believe he is doing this… what if other people also got the idea to take a nightly walk along the beach… my thoughts go fuzzy when his hand moves up higher and higher and I move my hips around a bit. His hand moves under my skirt, exactly knowing where it’s going. When he reaches my panties, he starts to fool around through the fabric. I sigh deeply, moan into his mouth… “No… oh… please… we can’t…” is all I manage to get out. He rubs his hand up and down against my panties. I tremble and have to concentrate hard, otherwise I will let go and scream loudly… his kisses become harder, more demanding and I feel is breathing going faster and faster. Shit I am on fire, what is he doing to me… I remember hearing him say something about going too fast…
It gets worse. With his naughty fingers under my skirt, he starts to pull away my panties. My worries about someone finding us totally vanish. With one finger, he enters me. I let out a deep sigh, holding on to him even stronger. He moves his finger and starts to rub again, finding exactly the right spot to make me loose control. I try to keep still, not wanting to get too much attention from any other people at the beach. He stops kissing me and just looks into my eyes, rubbing even faster… I feel waves of pleasure already coming over me… I hold my breath, mouth open… without a sound… I let go and loose myself completely…
I need some moments to calm down. He removes his hand, leaving a wet trail along my thigh. I look at him with a smile. “I can’t believe you did that…” I whisper. His smile is naughty. He bows down and kisses my neck. “Mmm you smell so good…” he says with a hoarse voice. I pull him closer; want to feel his body against mine. His arms are wrapped around me, his mouth constantly kissing my skin everywhere… he moves his hips against my upper leg and by the lump in his pants I can feel his excitement growing. “Mmm…” I sigh. My hand goes down over his chest, between his legs and I place my hand on that hard and longing part of him. He shivers and makes a hissing sound when I squeeze him a bit. I go on teasing him with more squeezing and stroking. Suddenly he can’t take it anymore. He pulls away my hand and starts to kiss me hard, pushing me down so that I lay on my back and he is on top of me, holding both my hands above my head. “God you make me crazy…” he whispers under his breath. I can only moan in reply, his mouth on mine again. He kisses his way down along my ear and I start to giggle; I am very ticklish and I can’t stand it when someone kisses me there. “What?” he says softly. “Don’t do that, I am ticklish!” I say, still laughing. Of course he places his mouth right under my ear again, and then starts to nibble my earlobe. I laugh out loud, trying to push him away from me. We end up laughing and struggling, eventually he has to roll off me because I am tickling him as well. Then I stand up and run away a few paces. “Where are you going?! Come here!” he says loudly. “Haha, no way! Come and get me!” I scream back. When he gets up, I start to run again.
It takes him almost no time to catch up with me and he grabs me around my waist. He pulls me to him roughly, his face in my neck. “Mmm you little teaser…” he whispers and I feel the heat flush through me again. We slowly walk back in the direction of the hotel. Arms wrapped around each other, exchanging slow kisses while walking. We reach the path to the hotel quite fast but he leads me to another path. We walk around the back exit of Leif’s Lounge, from where you can walk onto the beach immediately. There he finds us a dark corner where he sticks me to the wall. When his mouth searches for mine fast, I wrap one of my legs around him and pull him against me. I am stunned to feel the hardness in his pants again… is he still… or again? I push my hips against his to feel him even better, forcing a deep sigh from him. His hot, demanding kisses make me dizzy… I let my hands go round his back, down to his ass which I mould firmly. Oh I just love everything about him… even his ass is hard… my hands disappear under his shirt… stroking his back… go to the front… stroke his chest, playing with the soft chest hair a bit. He is completely heated up, pushing me against the wall roughly. Oh, his urgency makes me want him even more!
His hands slide over my body, under my top, cupping my breasts. I let go of him and within a second my top lands to the floor. His head goes down and he starts to kiss my breasts, squeezing them with his hands gently. He takes it a bit slower suddenly, taking time to carefully harden my nipples… he pulls the fabric of the bra down a bit, just enough to make my nipples come out. When he places his mouth over one of them, I feel his hot breath on my skin and shivers run down my spine. I pull his head up, kissing his mouth hungrily. When his attention is back to my mouth, my hands go down and open up his pants… my right hand dives in, squeezing and stroking. “Mmmm! Oh, geez…” he says out loud. He leans against me while I take his penis out of the tight boxer short and start to pull gently. With his face in my hair, he sighs and moans deeply.
At the same moment I make a wish inside my head, he fulfils it… he puts one hand under my skirt and pulls down my panties. I feel one of his fingers exploring me down there, finding inviting warmth. The piece of underwear drops down to the floor and I step away from it. He stands between my legs. This is crazy, I think just before I feel him push me against the wall. I find his eyes with mine and then he smiles. A sweet smile, a sexy smile… “I want you…” he says, voice all thick with desire. “Please…” is all I can say. He bites his lower lip, looking as if he wants to say something but he can’t. I am leading him into the right direction, once again wrapping one leg around him. We are a bit unsteady but it doesn’t take long before we find the right position. When he enters me, I throw my head back, mouth wide open in a silent scream. He takes it slow, short thrusts following each other, going a bit further every time. “Oh yes…” I hear myself say. When one of his fingers finds its way down again, my legs start to tremble and I have trouble standing up. He starts to push harder and harder, faster and faster… “Mmmm! Oh…” I let it go… He has stopped thrusting, his eyes concentrated on mine. “Come on, don’t stop, let it go…” I whisper and wiggle my hips to encourage him. It takes him only a few moves and then he can’t take it anymore. I feel him tremble against me, seeing a wave come over him… then, without a sound, I feel him come inside me.
I wake up with a terrible headache while bright sunshine is bursting through the window. Lina is sitting straight up on her bed, drinking an entire glass of water all at once. “Good morning sunshine!” she says. “Hmm…” I moan. Stupid booz. Fucking head. OH MY GOD. I suddenly remember last night very clearly. My eyes are wide open and my face turns red. I hide under the blankets and say “Oh noooooo no! No!!! “Lina is laughing at me. “What are you doing, silly! What’s wrong, didn’t you have fun with Per last night?” when I don’t answer, she climbs into my bed and pulls the sheets away from my head. “Is something wrong?” she asks, now worried. I sigh and shake my head. “It was… great… everything went great… I believe that… he likes me… uhm…” she laughs again. “Did you have sex with him?” now I am also sitting up in bed. “Oh you can’t think of anything else, can you?! Some people start relationships on the fact that they just like each other very much, without having sex.” I say grumpy as I am. “So… no sex?” her face looks as if she is feeling very sorry for me. I refuse to answer but the twinkle in my eyes seems to say it all. “Aaaaah baby you can’t hide nothin’ from me! So. Are you guys a couple now?”
I sigh. Are we? Well after the steamy, hot moments we shared we didn’t speak much. We just kept kissing and kissing for what seemed hours, until I just had to go. I was very tired and thought maybe Lina would get worried… so I simply said “See you soon!” and went to the room. Lina was already asleep so I could sneak into my bed. It was 4 in the morning when I did that…
I did say I loved him. And I meant it, too. Hell, I don’t even have his phone number, what is going to happen next? Next, the phone rings. Lina picks up. “Yes. Ok. Hello?” she turns red. “Of course. Bye!” and hands the phone to me. My heart starts to beat louder when I answer. It’s him, it has to be him. I look at Lina and she nods, and then discreetly disappears into the bathroom. “Hello there…” I say softly. “Good morning beautiful. Have you slept well?” I sigh. Hearing his voice again makes me feel all warm inside. “Yes but a bit too short and my head hurts! You?” he laughs. “Well the bed was a bit empty… listen, I am in town now for some business, but I would really like to see you today. Can you come over here for lunch?” we agree to meet around 2 in the afternoon in some café Per mentions. I apologize to Lina for not being there for her this week but he raises her hand. “You just follow your heart girl, no problem. But!” I know one of her lectures is coming up… “Be careful, ok? I don’t want your heart to be broken. Please be absolutely sure of his and your feelings before you are making serious commitments…” I smile and stand up to hug her. “Haven’t I already?” I ask then, looking into her big blue eyes. She pulls a face which means ‘Don’t ask me!’ and then I hit the shower too.
While eating breakfast at the restaurant downstairs, we discuss the rest of the week. Friday we are both leaving… it will be a sad goodbye at the airport, Lina on a plane to Göteborg, I on one to Amsterdam. There are some things we still really have to do, like lying on the beach, going out in the city and maybe some more shopping… hihi, busy girls we are!
Later that day I take a bus to the town. I am way too early so I look around some shops first, then I try to find the café. It’s not easy, but when I do, I immediately understand why he wanted to meet here. The terrace outside is big, in the sun, roses are growing everywhere and cosy little spots are created with screens between the tables. I see Per talking to some people… some people I easily recognise… suddenly the fact that Per is a famous pop star and I have been a fan for many years hits me harder than it did until now. For a minute I consider to just run away fast… coward! Inwardly I scream for help, don’t know what to do… I wait for him to end the conversation but he doesn’t. Now I am almost late! I walk slowly into their direction, when Per looks around him and then spots me. He smiles and waves, gesturing me to hurry. He takes a few steps in my direction. “Hello…” I say, suddenly shy. “Hi, finally you are here…” he says and the kisses me softly. “Come on, there are some people you should meet!” shit I was afraid he would say that. Now all of a sudden I am introduced to Marie Fredriksson and Marie Dimberg… When they shake my hand and say their names it seems so silly. Like I don’t know who they are, yeah right. Marie (F) looks very relaxed in a light summer dress, natural with little make-up and she is clearly feeling good. I am relieved when Dimberg suggests they really should go.
Per guides me to a table, his hand on my back while we walk. He is sliding over the soft fabric a bit and I get goose bumps in spite of the hot weather. I am wearing the white dress I bought a few days ago and I feel very sexy in it. It follows all the curves of my body and makes my skin tan come out great. My heartbeat is slowly going back to normal. “You all right?” he inquires. He must’ve noticed that I was a bit nervous about meeting the Marie’s. I nod and look into his eyes. His look, seeing the fire in his eyes makes me blush. A waiter comes to our table and asks what we want to drink. Then he hands us the menu. “You look good…” he says with a soft voice. Gosh how does he get me so week. He has me turning red twice in 5 minutes. “And you are even sweeter when you blush,” He adds with a grin. “So you had a meeting with the Marie’s?” I ask to change the subject. It works. For the next hour or so, he cannot stop talking about this great new thing he and Marie are doing with Roxette. From that he moves on to his other project – which is still a big secret, he does not forget to say – his new solo album in Swedish.
I just listen and watch him. I am having trouble eating, am too busy looking at him, just thinking how sweet he is. “What?” he suddenly says. Oops, I am staring, haha! “Nothing…” I say, looking into his eyes. “Am I talking too much?” he asks a bit guilty. I laugh and shake my head. “No. I can listen for hours.” I am not letting go of his eyes. He reaches over the table to take my hand. “Something happened to me last week…” he starts, stroking my hand, examining it a bit. “And what is that?” I say when he doesn’t finish the sentence. “Well… I fell in love…” he then confesses, turning a bit red again. I bite my lip and flash him a sexy smile. “How strange, I think the same has happened to me…” I reply. We are silent for a moment. “Shall we go?” he says, turning his head a bit, eyes shining.
Walking through Halmstad with Per’s hand in mine feels good. The sky is the brightest colour of blue I have ever seen and the sun is shining with all her strength. This must be a dream. A very realistic daydream. The dream gets even better when we reach his car… the Ferrari… the look on his face is proud when he opens the door for me. Men! “Where are we going?” I ask when he sits next to me. “Do you want me to take you back to the hotel?” he looks at me questioningly. “No. I want to be with you.” I say. Then I bend over to his side to kiss him. Mmm that was far too long ago already. He lays his hand on my cheek to keep me there, and answers my kiss with more. I gently run my tongue against his lips. “My place then?” he whispers. I am not able to answer; his mouth is on mine again. “Yes?” he asks again, letting go of me reluctantly. I agree and then he starts the car.
“Shit!” she says very loud when we leave the street. And again he is cursing, hitting his hand on the wheel. “What’s wrong?” I dare to ask. I have never seen him angry. “Nothing. I saw a reporter.” He groans. “Oh… and that’s not good?” I ask again, hoping I am not sounding stupid… He sighs. “Well… most of the time I don’t care. But I think he saw us, just now. I’d like to have a picture of us but not in the newspapers!” I don’t know what to say. Lina’s lecture sings in my head ‘wife, kid…’ and I can’t get it out.
We reach his house a few minutes later. He drives into the gate, still a bit irritated. I take a look at the house, which is absolutely amazing. It looks like a castle, or a fort maybe with these walls. I follow him into the house. He keeps walking until we reach the back side where the garden is, looking out over the beach. A private beach… “Beach view…” I mumble. “Mmm?” he stands behind me and wraps his arms around my waist. “Beach view. Beautiful!” I say again. Around us everything is quiet and very peaceful. He holds me tight. “Per?” “Mmm.” “I love you…” I whisper it very softly but he heard it. I hear him sigh. “I love you too…” I turn around and stretch up to kiss him. He answers my kisses first, but then holds back. He takes my hand and walks back inside the house.
We take place on the couch and he looks as if he wants to say something. After a few minutes, he is still silent. “You want to tell me something.” I conclude. He nods, does not look into my eyes. “Something bad?” he answers with another sigh. “I don’t know, it depends.” Ok that makes no sense either. “Am I going too fast?” I go on. Now his eyes meet mine. “Maybe. I… I just don’t know what is happening…” silent again. “Ok. Are you going to tell me what’s wrong or should I just guess?” I dare him, try to get him to talk but it doesn’t help. He looks at me with these incredible eyes of him, looking hurt. From happiness to hurt in a few minutes, that can’t be good.
I have to gather all my courage but I pop the question, finally. “Wife?” is all I say. He looks away, hand covering his mouth. “Where is she?” now he finally seems to want to take part in the conversation too. “She is on a vacation with our son.” Right. Now I still know nothing. “I think you know that’s not all I want to hear.” I say and move over the couch, closer to him. I kick off my shoes, lay my legs on the couch and my head on his chest. Now he doesn’t have to look into my eyes anymore. “I know. I just… feel so stupid…” I hear him say. I can hear his heart beating close to me. He takes one of my hands, clings our fingers together. We sit there for a while, cuddling a bit. Still he hasn’t answered the questions going on in my mind. So I sit up and look at him. “Listen. I am going home in two days. If you just want to make this a nice summer memory, I understand. Then we say goodbye now.” my heart prays for him not to say yes to this suggestion, my mind tells me it’s probably the easiest way. He finally looks at me. “Or?” he says. I take a deep breath. “Or you tell me about you and your wife… I can see it’s bothering you.” I say. Am feeling a bit as a smartass, lecturing him. But I just have to know.
“Ok.” He says with a nod. “Drink first?” he asks and stands up. When he comes back, he brings a bottle of chilled white wine. We lay down on the couch together lazily, my head is on his lap and he is playing with my hair again. Then he begins to talk. He tells me Åsa and Gabriel are at her parents, in Helsingborg. They have been there for some weeks already. Since a few years, the marriage has been boring. Both Per and Åsa only accepted each other as friends, not as lovers anymore. It started when Per got kissed by another woman, during the Gyllene Tider tour. There was an after party going on backstage in some city and Per and Åsa had been fighting over little things for two days already. At the party, Åsa was nowhere to be found and Per got a little mad. He got drunk with some friends. Somehow, some fans had sneaked into the party and they began to talk to Per. Eventually he was caught by Åsa, kissing one of them. From that moment on, the intimacy in their relationship was almost gone. They almost never had sex and she never shared anything with him about her life anymore.
About a year ago, she had told him she wanted to divorce him. He pleaded with her to give it anther try, go into therapy etc. He had been feeling extremely guilty about kissing that stupid girl while being drunk, felt so stupid for letting his friends push him over the edge. He swore he would never ever cheat again. And now he did it again, even worse. Here I stop him, hold on! “So you see the things we did… as cheating?” I say. He shakes his head. “Actually it is not, because she already left anyway. But… still… I should have told her about you.” Now I am confused. “But we only just met, and she is gone…” he smiles, bends over and kisses me. “Don’t you get it yet?” he says softly. I look at him as if he lost his mind. “I didn’t meet you by accident, silly. It took me almost a day to get the courage to go and talk to you …” and he kisses me again. “How? I mean, when…” now I don’t know what to say anymore, am totally stunned. “Hannover, Brussels, Helsinki, Karlstad, Stockholm…” he sums up the cities where I met him last year. I met him and Marie backstage in Helsinki, on a meet and greet event organised by the Fanclub. I sit up, looking at him still in state of shock. “You remember all that?” he nods. “It was in Helsinki that we met backstage, right? I remembered you. After that meeting, I couldn’t forget you anymore! Then when I saw you on the train, I wanted to talk to you but there were so many other people and you were so… nervous…”
Seeing me speechless, he decides to just go on with his story. “After that, it was not so hard for me to cope with the problems in my marriage anymore. So I told Åsa that I agreed with divorce…” I sip some wine, barely hearing his words. So he noticed me! So he saw my nervousness. Shit! And I didn’t know! God now I felt stupid. “When I came to talk to you at the pool, I had been thinking about what I should say for at least an hour. Constantly checking if you were still there…” I sigh. “I can’t believe it!” I say. “But I thought something was wrong, just now you seemed so… troubled.” I say, going through his hair with my fingers. “Yes I feel a bit bad, I have lied to Åsa and now she is going to find out. Now I realise I just stayed with her because I didn’t want to be alone…” another sigh from him.
I decide we’ve done enough talking. I love him so much, I am about to explode. So I sit up and climb on his lap. He looks surprised, and then lays his hands on my hips. I bend over and place a soft kiss on his nose. “You are crazy…” I whisper. Then I kiss him on his mouth, and more, and deeper. He moans softly and then says: “What are you…” I don’t give him the chance to finish and just go on kissing him. I do nothing more than kiss him, exploring his mouth with my tongue. Softly biting his lower lip. Sliding across his teeth with my tongue. Playing with his tongue… his hands caress my knees and go up slowly. My stomach is tickling and my mind is spinning. I can’t get enough of kissing him. I hear his breathing going faster and feel him growing harder between my legs. So I push my hips down and move them around a bit. His hands are going up under my dress, grabbing my ass and squeezing it softly. It seems as if he is waiting for me to go on with something, because he doesn’t go any further than that. I decide to test him, tease him a bit. I just go on giving him slow, wet kisses and slide my hands through his hair. He lets me go on, until every fibre in his body is totally excited. He moans something and I let go of his mouth. “You…” is all he says. I move my hips around a bit, god he is hard. “What?” I say, naughty look in my eyes. “I can’t take much more…” he groans with a low voice. I smile at him, get up from the couch and take his hand. “Where is your bedroom?” I ask. He needs no further encouragements and takes me there quickly.
The bed is huge, covered with a bunch of white sheets and pillows. The large windows are open and I can smell the sea. He stands by the door, hesitating. I stand beside the bed and keep my eyes fixed on his while I start to take off my dress. I let it slide off and drop to the floor. He watches me, biting his lip and shaking his head. Now I stand before him my new sexy underwear, but not for long. Slowly I remove my bra, then my panties. He finally walks into the room and starts to undress as well. I lay down on the bed, enjoying the soft covers that smell like him. He comes to lie beside me, just watches me as my body twists over the sheets. He lays his hand on my belly, caressing it softly and kisses my lips. I can feel his body close to me, he is trembling. His eyes get bigger when I let one of my hands go down and slip between my legs. I start to touch myself, rubbing my finger against that spot that begs for attention. For a moment, he does not know what to do and watches me in astonishment. Then his hands take action, starting to caress me everywhere. They go over my breasts, my belly, my legs… I go on pleasuring myself, moaning and twisting my body. He bows down with his head and slides his tongue over my breasts, taking a nipple into his mouth. I feel so hot; I know it won’t take much longer until I reach my top. He looks into my eyes for a moment, sees it coming. He holds me close, still licking my nipples and softly biting them. “Oh Per… ohhh….” I cry out and let the waves of pleasure come over me, trembling shivering all over. “Mmm… mmm!” I am still on a high when he turns his body and lies on top of me. He parts my legs and I feel his hardness against me. “Yes… oh please…” I sigh. He has no trouble pushing inside me, I am more than ready to receive him and push my hips up to feel him even better. Oh it feels so good to have him inside me again… the foreplay has made him so crazy, he can’t hold on and starts to take me fast, pushing hard. I wrap my legs around him, whispering in his ear that it feels so good, that I want more, yes, go on… then he groans loudly and stops for a moment. He does not want to end this, not yet. The expression on his face almost makes me laugh; every muscle in him is concentrated. “Go on, give me more…. I want more” I whisper to him. He kisses me wildly, breathing fast and uncontrolled. When I want to push my hips up, he holds me down with his hands. “No… no, not yet… wait…” he starts to kiss my face everywhere, stroking my cheek with one hand. Then I feel him move inside me again, thrusting slowly.
When he whispers Swedish words into me ear, I smile. I don’t understand everything, I catch a few things like ‘feels so good’… ‘Wet’… ‘Horny’… Oh I could go on in this rhythm forever… But then he lets go of me, lowers himself until his face is at my belly. He kisses his way further down. When he kisses my inner thigh, my muscles react to him immediately. He takes my hips in his hands and places me in front of his face. His tongue starts to tease me a bit, playing around and around but not touching the right spot. I am eager to feel him there, at the aching, swollen centre… I push my hips up, twisting and turning under him. “Please…” I sigh. I see him smile, a naughty grin and still he keeps the game up… I grab his hair with one hand to try to push him down. Finally he does, his tongue flicking against me and I cry out loud. He starts to go round in circles, then sucking slightly. Oh god, I am trembling all over… it has never felt as good as this, I hear myself say. When my belly starts to cramp he knows I am almost there. He comes up quickly and before I know it he is inside me again. Now there is no more time to wait. I feel him going in and out of me fast and I give a loud scream… I explode under him, screaming “Yes yes yes…” with uncontrolled voice. He groans, his fast hot breath in my neck as he releases as well.
I lay still for a while with him still on top of me, still inside me. I caress his back with both my hands, hugging him even closer to me. He kisses my neck and shoulder, slowly going up to meet my mouth. There we exchange a slow, deep kiss. I sigh and look up at him. He smiles at me and kisses again, can’t seem to get enough. Minutes fly by and we still don’t want to let go. One of my legs is going numb so I move it a bit, feeling him move inside me when I do. There I feel he is hard, again! How did that happen so fast?! “Mmm… what is this…?” I whisper and move my hips. My movements make him go in and out again and he moans in reply. “Your fault…” he mumbles… he moves away from me, now lying beside me. He looks at me for a moment; his eyes filled up with desire and his mouth a bit open. I cuddle up to him, my back against his chest and push my ass against his hardness. He giggles in my neck. “You want more?” he is asking stupid questions. My hand goes down to get him into the right direction and it takes no effort to get him inside me again. His movements, his rhythm, the light breeze and the scent of the sea… I decide this is perfect.
We spent quite some time in the bedroom, because it is getting darker outside when I am finally downstairs again. I am amazed by his energy, swept off my feet… we hit the showers together, linking our bodies as if it was something we have always been doing. I have never been with a man before who could do keep on going for so long… and do it so well, I think with a grin on my face.
I am sitting in the garden with a glass of wine when he comes down to join me. He is looking good, wearing nothing but jeans. I am wearing the light shirt he had on earlier today and am sitting on a beach chair watching him lazily. He kneels beside my chair and looks into my eyes. “I guess we have something serious going on here now…” he says softly, almost asking it. I nod. “Yes I seriously loved what you just did to me. And again. And again…” I say, answering his naughty look. He looks a bit embarrassed but I didn’t mean it in that way! “You were amazing…” I say slowly. “How… did you…” I can’t help, am too curious… now he starts to laugh. “You mean, a man my age can’t keep going on for so long?” I nod, blushing at my stupid question. He joins me on the chair, which is actually too small so he takes me on his lap. I cuddle up to him. “It has been so long… you have no idea.” he says with his mouth on my hair. “What has been long? Sex?” I ask surprised. I feel him nod. “There was no reason for Åsa and me to… well do anything… we got so tired of each other…” “How long?” I interrupt him. He laughs out loud and sighs. “You really…” “How long?!” I ask again. “Five years…” he answers. I sit up straight and look at him. “Seriously? So ever since that thing Åsa saw…” he confirms. No more sex. “And you didn’t… I mean, geez there must be so many women wanting you…” this time it’s him who puts up a surprised face. “Do you mean: have I slept with anyone else?” I nod. “No, I have not! I wanted things to work out between me and Åsa… so I took distance from every female creature in sight…” he sips some of my wine. “But then I saw you.” he states. “And?” I fish for more compliments. He pulls me closer. “What do you want to hear, mm?” he says, caught me right there. “I want to hear you say nice things about me, that I am pretty and that you love me…” I whisper and reach for his mouth. “Mmm… you are, you are beautiful…. Mmm and your ass is… mmm” I slap him on the chest but keep kissing him. When he breaks the kiss, he is serious again. “When I met you, it was probably the first time I felt something in long time… I just wanted to have you from the moment our eyes met. Then I saw you in the audience a couple of times, and thought: no, we can never be together, she is a fan…” he looks out over the sea for a moment, then continues. “But I couldn’t forget you, and you were there in front of me from time to time.” I smile and bring back a memory. “Like on the train…” “Yes, then on the train again. Mmm you were looking so good… and I was so nervous haha!” I sit up a bit to look at him. “YOU were nervous?! What do you think about me? I was shaking when you passed me…” “Such a pity that you didn’t look up, I wanted to see your eyes. But I saw you were… a bit embarrassed maybe? Why?” I roll my eyes to this question. “Well… I thought: shit, now Per sees me in my travel clothes, looking all fucked up, while instead I should look intelligent and beautiful… or something. I don’t know if I was thinking at all, but that was what I regretted later.” He shakes his head. “I could not care about that, you were radiant…” I lay my head against his chest again.
We are both almost falling asleep, when I hear some sound, far away. It takes a moment but then I realize it’s my mobile! Lina! I jump from Per’s lap and run inside to get the phone out of my purse. It’s her and I pick up. “Hi!” I say. “Well that took ages, where the hell are you!” she says with a smile in her voice. “I am at Per’s house!” I say beaming and I know she can hear it from my voice. “Everything is ok then?” she asks a bit unsure. “Yes, everything is perfect.” I answer and take a seat on the couch. “He said he loves me…” I add softly. We talk for a while. She tells me she has been in town this afternoon and after that spent some time on the beach. She ran into one of those Dutch guys again and they spent some time together. “He is lovely, even sober haha!” “So you are going out with a Dutch guy?!” I ask, not believing the silly situation. But indeed she is… so now we are dating guys from each other’s countries! “We are going out in the town tonight, to check out that new dance place remember?” yes, I do remember. We agreed on going there even before we reached Halmstad and until now we still didn’t go. “I was hoping you could join us… maybe with your new boyfriend?” she asks carefully. Mmm. I hesitate. Per Gessle in a dancing in his hometown, in the middle of the tourist season? Well I could ask. So we agree to see how things go and I’ll let her know if we can make it.
At the moment I end the call, Per comes in and heads for the kitchen. I follow him and see him sticking his head into the refrigerator. “Are you hungry?” comes his voice from inside. But before I can answer it is followed by: “Shit!” and a glare at the clock. He looks at me a bit sad. He sighs once and walks up to me. He is a lot taller than me now because I have no shoes on. To be more exact: I have nothing on but his shirt. “I have a dinner meeting tonight… I can’t take you with me, it’s business…” he says a bit disappointed. His hand slides across my cheek and I lean into it. “That’s ok; I’ll eat something at the hotel. Lina called… she asked if we wanted to join her and her date in the city tonight…” I am curious at his reaction, if he will… to my surprise, his face lights up and he smiles. “That’s great! So you won’t be alone. Maybe I can meet you there?” Yes! I quickly send a sms to Lina to let her know we’ll be there.
Per drops me off at the hotel. I can’t get out of the car, I have to kiss him and kiss him and I almost can’t stop. It is hard to say goodbye, even for a few hours. It feels as if we are officially a couple now, very strange… and now I don’t want to let go anymore!
I order a simple dish to be brought to my room while I put on the TV. After that I take a lot of time in the bathroom, I am making an effort to look good tonight… so I take another shower, rub my whole body with some lotion and give my hair a special treatment. Then it’s make up time. I don’t go out very much but when I do, I want to do it good. When I am finished, my eyes are shining and my lips are touched up lightly. My hair has to be loose tonight, so I pump some volume into it with foam. Now. What to wear! Within 10 minutes, my bed is full with all the clothes I have brought with me. It got a bit chilly outside so I pick out a pair of jeans, my favourite pair. It is old, a bit torn here and there and a perfect fit to my body. The once dark colour has now changed in different shades, from dark blue to almost white. Brilliant! Never throw away your old jeans, you never know when they might be in fashion again haha! It seems al my sexy tops are already worn once or twice during this vacation, so I empty Lina’s suitcase on her bed. Amazing how many stuff she is carrying with her… but I don’t mind! I find a very nice dark red top with matches my high heeled boots. It has a low v-neck and on the sides there are opened zippers which make it very sexy. Now I am ready to rock ‘n roll!
At about ten, I arrive at the dancing. It is still very quiet and Lina is not there yet. It looks very nice and brand new. The place is spacious, with tables against all walls. The tables are all for four and have little benches on both sides. On the left there is a big, round bar and to the right is a square stage, slightly higher than the rest which is probably the dance floor. I am delighted by the soft, loungy tunes from the DJ. I take a stool at the bar and order myself a coke. While sitting there, relaxing music in my ears and just sharing a moment with myself, I think back of all the strange things that have been happening to me lately. Going to Sweden was a blast, seeing Lina and just joyfully doing nothing made me very happy. And then there is this man… this man that I thought I knew for a long time, and now have totally rediscovered. I can’t hide a grin… Per Gessle is my boyfriend… HA! Geez how am I going to tell my friends this! It suddenly strikes me that many – if not all – people at home know who he is… at least the people that know me well enough to cope with my Roxette-fandom. Another obstacle that has crossed my mind many times; can I still be the same fan that I was before? No of course not. Will I be the same person? I don’t know. Will I ever be front row again with my friends? Probably not that either. But… I have found a great love. A love that goes above all that, a love I am willing to change my life for. With this thought, I let out a sigh.
“Ten crowns for your thoughts!” I hear Lina saying softly right beside me. Although she was gentle I can’t help to flinch and blush. “Hey there!” I say and hug her tight. I look around. “So? Where is he?” I say, anxious to know which one of the Dutch tourists we saw was cute enough to get Lina’s attention. “He is talking to some people outside that he knows. How was your day?!” she says. As usual, we are both not capable (not even willing) to hide our curiosity. So I tell her briefly what went on this afternoon, she doesn’t need many words. She congratulates me with having a boyfriend, which brings me back to my troubles thoughts. But not for long, because here comes Mark! “Hi Robin, nice to see you again!” Mark greets me in Dutch. They take places at my right and so we’re all sitting at the bar. “So where is your boyfriend?” Mark asks me when Lina has gone to the toilet. We speak English when she is around but now we switch to Dutch again. “Has Lina told you about him?” I ask, wondering what he knows. He nods. “Yeah, she said you met him last week at the hotel and he is some famous guy or something…” he is looking at me expectantly. I smile, “Mmm, kind of, I do not expect you to know him because in Holland he is not so well-known anymore.” Then comes the ritual which I always have to freshen up the Dutch People’s minds. It must have been love, Joyride, a woman with short blonde hair… etc. Then he knows. “Shit! So you are actually dating a pop star then? And he is still famous?” Lina comes back and we go on in English. Lina teases Mark by acting disappointed that her ‘boyfriend’ doesn’t even know the biggest Swedish stars of the 90ties.
It’s already past eleven and it’s getting kind of busy. I am having fun with Mark and Lina but sill I am watching the door all the time. Then, in an unguarded moment, I feel an arm around my waist and I smell a familiar aftershave. I lean against him and look up. “Hey babe…” he says with a low voice. “Hello there…” we share a short kiss and then he just smiles at me. “You have been drinking,” is my simple conclusion. He nods slowly. “A bit. Can you tell?” “Yes. Guess I have some catching up to do then eh?!” then I order drinks for us. Lina and Mark just took off to the dance floor a few minutes ago, enjoying some popular tunes. When they see Per, the join us. We sit at the bar for a while, chatting. Per is trying not to show it to Lina and Mark, but he is indeed getting a bit drunk. He stands beside me, his arm around my waist the whole time.
Mark doesn’t know what he is getting himself into when he brings the conversation to cars… Per and I trade places. Now the men are sitting and Lina and I are standing beside them. After a few minutes, we get very bored with the car conversation. I take Lina’s drink out of her hand and put it on the bar with mine. Then I pull her to the dance floor. The music has switched from lounge to popular tunes, all with a strong beat and blending from one song into another. The song they are playing now is one of my current favourites; a very catchy, sexy tune. We find a place on the dance floor, dancing and going crazy to this horny song. Every girl knows (or should know) that men love to watch two women dancing sexy with each other. And Lina and I have become very good at that lately, because we went out many times together in the past few weeks. So when we dance she stands beside me, she puts her hand on my belly, a bit under my top. We smile at each other, singing along and going wild! We move our hips from side to side in the rhythm together. I glace at the bar and see the guys are staring at us. Per and Mark are still busy talking but I think the subject has changed. They are standing close to each other, eyes fixed on us, looking and pointing and smiling… we keep it up during some more songs and we get some attention from the boys on the dance floor as well. I reply a smile to a tall, dark and very good-looking guy on the dance floor. He is a very good dancer and I watch him for a while. Actually we are dancing with each other, some distance and some people between us but we have eye contact all the time. Suddenly Lina pulls me away. “Drinks!” she yells into my ear. I wave at the cute guy and follow Lina to the bar.
I am on a high because of the music and the dancing and gulp down my drink almost all at once. “Do you want to sit?” Per is still sitting on a stool at the bar, I do notice they have moved a bit away from the dance floor to an other part of the bar. He has now turned his back to the bar, watching me. “No! Standing is fine!” I answer, still unable to stand still. He points at me with his finger, then gestures me to come over. When I stand before him, he pulls me close against him and dips his face into my neck. His lips go over my skin which is all heated up now. I hug him close to me, feeling his tongue slightly tasting my neck. I get goose bumps and let out a soft scream. He looks at me naughty, smiling a sexy smile. “You look good…” he whispers into my ear. “And you feel good…” he says, kissing my neck again. The dancing got me hot already, now I am heated up even more. I catch Lina’s gaze. She is in an embrace as well and we laugh at each other. We exchange a look of understanding; it’s probably time to go. Mark has done his best to catch up with Per so both men are drunk. Luckily they are both happy drunks. Lina and I are both not even close yet. I feel Per’s hand slide under my shirt and caress my back softly. I let my hands travel over his upper legs, pulling him even closer. His mouth moves from my neck up to my ear and there he softly touches my earlobe. Oh this is not fair, that is the most ticklish spot of my whole body! So I bring my hands up to squeeze his side which causes a moan from him. “Shall we go?” I ask softly. He looks at me, eyes a bit blurry but still naughty. “Are you going to stay with me tonight?” he is asking slowly. I smile, suddenly shy at that blunt question and blush when I think back of earlier that day. Then I nod. “If you want me to…”
All four of us go outside. At the door, Lina whispers to me; “Are you going with him?” with an expectant look on her face. I grin at her and nod. “The room is al yours honey!” When we say goodbye to each other, I hug her saying I will be at the hotel tomorrow somewhere in the afternoon.
Per has found us a cab. While walking over, I feel some eyes on us and know people are watching. It is quite busy in on the streets; people are finding cabs or just stand outside talking, after a night out. Although nobody says anything, I still feel a bit uncomfortable with being watched. I catch a girl’s gaze and know instantly that she is not just someone walking by. Her eyes are shining a bit, closely observing every move Per and I make. She studies me when I stand at the door of the cab while Per gets in. She now catches me looking at her and I smile. She smiles back at me, friendly and a bit shy.
Per and I are in the backseat of the cab and Per tells the driver where to go. I take his hand in mine. We are sitting there in silence and my thoughts wander off again. Wander off to Friday. Friday is only 2 nights away and it’s the day I am going home. Tomorrow I will go to the hotel to pack everything. Then I want to spent the evening with Lina, for us it is also time to say goodbye.
Walking up to Per’s front door, he puts an arm around my waist and tries to kiss me while walking. I giggle and push him away. “Go away you drunk!” I tell him laughing. When we reach the door, I wait for him to open it but he doesn’t. He takes my shoulders and pushes me with my back to the door, his hands once again on my waist, slightly moving up under my top. He leans his forehead against mine and looks into my eyes. His eyes are glowing beautifully by the dimmed light of a lamp somewhere on the driveway. “What?” I softly say when he doesn’t take action. He just stands there, looking. I feel his hands move under my top and he caresses my skin with his fingertips. I smile and bite my lip. He knows how to make me want him within a second. I reach out and take the keys from his hand. It takes a while but I manage to open the door and we stumble inside.
Per does not hesitate and takes my hand, pulling me with him to the bedroom. I have to laugh at his almost boyish efforts to get me in his bed. When we are there he pushes me down onto it and crawls on top of me, one leg on each side holding me down. I giggle when starts to kiss my neck again. Mmm, I think I like him drunk! He is teasing me with tickles everywhere, nibbling my earlobe and probing his fingers into my sides. I laugh out loud and say I can’t stand anymore but he doesn’t stop. Then I pull up his head by his hair, until he is in front of my face. “Kiss me.” I say with a low voice. His mood shifts a bit from playful to excited, I feel that when he kisses me. His kiss is hungry and hot. The desire in his kiss, his fast breathing against my skin and his hands restlessly caressing my body make me crazy. I want to move, take action but I can’t. I am melting away under his touches, impatiently waiting what comes next. Next is his hand unbuttoning my jeans and pulling it down. While I am still kicking off my boots and jeans, his hands are already busy with my top. He does not stop kissing me, just goes on and on with slow, deep kisses which intoxicate me. In no time I am lying naked on the bed, underwear somewhere on the floor. He is still fully dressed. He finally let’s go of my mouth, leaving me gasping and missing the warmth of his lips right away. He stands up and I watch him undress, lying on my side, head up on one hand.
He stands beside the bed and looks at me when he removes his boxer short. There is no doubt about it; he is totally aroused and hard. He follows my eyes over his body, then looks at me a bit shy, not knowing how to act now that I am watching him. I move over the bed in his direction and get up on my knees to kiss him. “Mmm you look so good…” I whisper to him. I let my hand go down to touch the hardness between his legs, loving the feeling of his naked body against mine. He wants to push me on the bed so we can lie down but I stop him. I let him stand beside the bed and bend down on hands and knees in front of him, my face towards his crotch. He places his hands on my shoulders, looking at me with hazed eyes. When I take him into my mouth he throws his head back, opens his mouth and sighs deeply. His hands go over my shoulders and back and through my hair. His moans and sighs let me know he likes what I am doing and that heats me up more and more.
He softly starts to whisper encouragements for me to go faster but I don’t. I just keep up the slow, torturing tempo I started with. His belly is trembling a bit and so are his thighs. I let go of him and kiss my way up, over his belly to his chest. My hands go through the soft brown hair there and I lick his nipples. When I reach his lips, he takes my face into his hands to kiss me while breathing heavily into my mouth. I am feeling totally relaxed with him now. All insecurity I have ever had seems to fade away because of what I see in his eyes. It is hard to put to words… maybe devotion, or love, or pure excitement. Probably a mixture of that. It makes me feel completely at ease. I pull him down on the bed with me, now I have to feel his body covering mine. Our hips meet and he instantly slides inside me. A shiver runs through me when his hands run over my body and he starts moving in and out gently. His face is buried in my neck when he says in a hoarse voice: “I love you Robin, oh I love you, never forget…” I just hold him, not able to speak, feeling tears well in my eyes. Shit I am having good sex and now I am almost crying… what has gotten into me?!
We roll over the bed, now I am on top of him. I sit up to ride him, feeling him so deep he is completely filling me up. His hands go over my ass, hips, up to my breasts which he grabs and moulds firmly. I increase the tempo a bit, suddenly determent to meet his needs. I move my hips back and forth faster and faster. His hands go down to my hips again to keep up with my rhythm. He looks into my eyes and answers my naughty smile. Again there are the Swedish whispers, even harder to understand now. I answer in Dutch which causes him to giggle and loose concentration for a moment! Then he is suddenly serious again, hands tightly on my hips and eyes closed… he groans and pushes his hips upwards, meeting my thrusts. Now he lets go, flies over the top with a long deep moan.
We cuddle up to each other under the blankets, a perfect match as two spoons in a box. He lies still for a while, stroking my belly softly. When I think he has almost fallen asleep, his fingers trail along my thigh and silently ask me to part my legs. With a grin, I do so and think back of those naughty first touches on the beach. Again he finds warm wetness between my legs; again his touches make me shiver. I sigh deeply, unable to control my breathing and can’t concentrate on anything but his finger rubbing me down there… “Mmm… are all guitar players… so… oh… good at this…?” I mumble. I feel his body moving when he is laughing, but he doesn’t answer and doesn’t stop what he’s doing. His tongue is teasing my neck again, unbelievable how he can be everywhere at the same time. I let out short, deep sighs and my belly starts to cramp and tickle. He goes a bit faster when I tell him to. I hold on to him when I feel I’m tumbling over the top, falling and falling and falling…. Then I hold his arm to make him stop. Otherwise everything will start all over again and actually I am kind of tired now…
I fall asleep with my head on his chest (later he tells me he was still talking to me when I suddenly didn’t answer anymore) and my legs wrapped around him. When I wake up the next morning, the first thing I think of is that I am naked. I feel a bit sticky. Aha. Now it hits me. Hehe. Then I smile and open my eyes to see what time it is. When I look beside me, I don’t see the alarm clock but two big brown eyes looking at me. He seems to be wide awake, watching me with his head on one hand. “Mmm… good morning…” I mumble and stretch out. “What time is it?” I ask him. “About eleven. You are a lazy dog…” I giggle and snuggle up to him. “How late did you wake up then?” I ask after kissing his lips softly. “About ten, I think. And I just watched you sleep. You snored!” “Haha! I did? I didn’t know that…” then we are silent for a while, just enjoying laying close. The curtains are already opened and so is the glass door in the bedroom. A soft warm breeze comes inside and I can smell the sea. Through the curtains, I can see a bright blue sky. Then I just have to get up, on a beautiful day like this you shouldn’t waste time and get you’re ass outside!
I loosen myself from Per’s arms and step out of the bed on my side. I stretch once more, loving the feel of the soft summer breeze on my naked body… this day should be spent at the beach. “You have plans for today?” Per asks me. I nod slowly. “Yes, kind of. I told myself I have to spend this day with Lina because we have to say goodbye tomorrow… and I am very curious how everything turned out with Mark!” I think about that while I say it. Per and I both grin at the thought… did they end up kissing at the doorstep? Or in bed even? Maybe none of that but I don’t think so. We both take a quick shower and then eat breakfast in the garden.
I look at him from my chair, observing him while he is eating. “You don’t have any plans?” he shakes his head. “I was supposed to meet some people for work today but we cancelled that yesterday. So I am free!” I get up and get my phone from inside the house. I dial the number to Lina’s mobile and she picks up instantly. “Hi! Finally!” she screams into my ear. “Haha! Were you waiting for my call?!” she confirms that. Right away she starts to tell Mark slept in her (our) room. “So you are also having a boyfriend now? Or was it just for fun?” I ask her. “I am not really sure, I really do like him a lot… but… well he lives in Holland, of all places haha! We decided that we would stay in touch and see how things work out. We’ve only just met you know…” I ask her if she wants to go to the beach today, just lie around and do nothing for one more day, before we both have to go to work again in a few days. “Yes, that’s perfect, but actually I also want to find some time to see Mark today… and I think you have the same thing over there?” her voice is a bit insecure when she asks but I am relieved. She has the same thoughts I had! “Yes, exactly. Goodbye-dinner for four, tonight, at Tylösand?” I suggest while looking at Per. He nods with a smile and raises his thumb.
Later that day
I am wearing my bikini, laying on a towel in the sun. Sand is everywhere, Swedish radio in my ears and an English crime novel is trying to take my mind off things. After yet another depressing chapter about some murderer, rain, darkness and pain, I decide to stop reading. It is no use, I can’t stop my busy mind, it’s spinning. So many things that I have to think about, so many dilemma’s that are playing around in my head since a week. I sit up and look at Lina. She is lying on her belly, head under her arms and very much asleep. I’m afraid the poor girl didn’t get much sleep last night… I look out over Tylösand beach, thinking back to our first days here. It seems ages ago that we ran out onto the beach and let ourselves fall down in the soft sand, laughing out loud. Ready for some relaxing: no work, no stress and as less excitement as possible, that was the plan. Mmm, didn’t really work. Actually I am in a lot of stress now; I am not looking forward to going home. Saying goodbye to Per seems almost impossible, it feels as if I am leaving behind some unfinished business. And there is still that voice inside my head warning me, that this can never work, that this will hurt me very badly. I don’t want to listen to it but I can’t help it. There is a nervous feeling inside me, afraid of loosing him as quickly as I found him.
In the evening
Lina and I are dressing up in our room. I thought the mess I made yesterday was huge, now we are both preparing for the evening and the mess is even bigger! This was another hot day and the wind outside is still warm. We both chose a simple summer dress to go with open, high-heeled shoes and we have put each others hair up with pins. Lina is drawing a perfect purple line on one of her eyelids. Her dress is very light purple changing to white and consists of a few layers of thin fabric, like the white one I bought here. My short, black dress is made of lycra, following every curve in my body. Normally I would fuss about curves I don’t want to see but actually I don’t really care at the moment, and I don’t have any attention for the usually much hated areas anyway, haha! Another piece of clothing I am borrowing of Lina; when I packed my bag I did not expect to need sexy clothes! Just guessed jeans would be nice enough to go out in… silly how girls change when cute men are around, hihi…
At the dinner table, I am sitting next to Mark and opposite from Per. We have made a perfect boy-girl-boy circle. The conversations are a bit… polite. We are all extremely nice to each other or so it seems to me. That’s probably because no one wants to spoil the last evening together… between the last course and desert, Lina and I excuse ourselves to the ladies room. We are both checking ourselves in the mirror and when our eyes meet, we start to giggle. “Girl… what did we get ourselves into this time…” Lina sighs. I shake my head. “This was not at all what I had in mind when you suggested Tylösand beach… All I thought of was the money haha!” indeed, this place is very expensive, as I stated before. We planned to check out some hostel after a few days but we never got to that. And so what that we can’t go on any other vacation for at least 6 months?! So what our credit cards are on overload?! We had the time of our lives. Lina wants to go back to the table but I hesitate. “Lina…” She turns and comes back. “Hey, why the sad face?” she says and puts an arm on my shoulder. “What do you think will happen to Per and me, after I come home?” I finally speak out the thing that kept my mind occupied for the last 3 days. She bites her lip. “Well… you will call him every other day, sent him long love letters over e-mail… and now and then he flies in or you come over here…” “You think we can do that? You think it will last?” I ask, letting out the insecure little girl. She looks puzzled. “Of course it will work out! I think you have to give it some time, see how it goes like Mark and I agreed. See what happens in the following weeks, how badly you will miss each other. And… let him take care of his… divorce or whatever.” Gosh she can be so clear of mind when I’m not.
Back at the dinner table, the deserts have already arrived and the guys are impatiently staring at the big bowls of ice cream. They seem to get along quite well, which makes me very happy! Maybe Mark and I could take the same plane next time… my mind is wandering off again and I try to concentrate on the conversation. The topic that kept the guys busy while we were away is about the rest of this evening is ‘What will we do after dinner?’ They have made a whole plan to take us out and get us drunk, to make up for last time!
After ice cream, some drinks and more chatting about getting drunk, we move from the restaurant to the hotel bar. While Lina and Mark walk inside, Per gets my arm and pulls me into a dark hall. He is very good at finding dark corners… he pulls me to him, saying nothing, just looking into my eyes. His eyes go over my face, my dress, my hair; he examines every part of me. My arms are wrapped around his waist. He takes my face into his hands and I expect him to kiss me but he doesn’t, he does not do anything. Suddenly he speaks and his voice is a bit raw. “Do you really have to go tomorrow?” Oh shit, he is taking the emotional trip I have been trying to avoid all evening. I nod slowly and he sighs. “There are so many things I want to say…” he starts but I put my hand up to make him stop. “Don’t… let’s go…” I say and want to pull him with me to the bar. If he goes on he will make me cry! He pulls me back, not yet ready to leave that safe, dark corner. “Will you stay with me tonight?” he whispers. “Yes, but I have to be here early.” He nods understandingly, then bows down and locks our mouths together in a soft kiss.
We meet Lina and Mark at a table in the hotel bar. The tables are low and have big leather Chesterfield chairs around them. Lina looks at me with question marks in her eyes when I sit next to her. Very softly, only for her ears, I say what just happened in a few words. She bites her lip and looks at me with a sad face. “Saying goodbye sucks. Will he come with us to the airport tomorrow?” my thoughts haven’t even gone there, I realize. And actually I do not want to bring it up, now that Per is distracted by conversation with Mark. So I don’t mention it, I will do that later tonight. Lina tells me Mark will join her to the airport. He will spend another week here with his friends and promised to meet her in Stockholm on one of his last days.
The mood amongst our little party becomes a happier after some drinks. I realize I am not coping with the alcohol very well, I haven’t even finished my second drink and already I feel the alcohol-thrill in my legs. When I stand up to go to the toilet, I feel a bit light in my head. In the bathroom I splash some water into my face and drink a lot of it too. Have to stay sane tonight; I don’t want to miss anything!
Lina and I talk about work for a while, which we both have to start again on Monday. I am actually looking forward to seeing some of my colleagues again, and usually I am also happy to go home after spending some weeks in another country, or another town, even. But not this time, no way. Though I have missed my house, which is still the most secure place in the world. I wish I could put Per in a little box and take him with me in my pocket… Time has closed in on us and before we know it, the bar is getting silent. The plan of going to town and getting drunk went nowhere, we have been too busy talking at the hotel bar and all of us have now switched to soda instead of alcohol. I have traded places with Mark and am now sitting in between Lina and Per. He takes my hand and with almost no sound, his mouth forms the words ‘let’s go’. I grin and nod. I try to catch Lina’s eyes but she only has attention for Mark, her eyes are shining and so are his. I see they are holding hands as well, oh god aren’t we all sweet haha! You can almost smell the sugar and the sky is about to turn pink, so much love has filled the air.
Eventually I pat Lina on her leg and say that we want to go. “Yes, you do that, we will stay here.” she says and stands up. She hugs me, then Per shortly. “How late will you be here tomorrow, about nine?” Lina asks. “Yes… something like that…” I say. Then I look at Per. “Will you drive with us to the airport?” I say, heart beating slightly faster. He looks a bit startled but then agrees. After more goodbyes, Per and I leave the bar and go upstairs to my room. I want to take some clothes and stuff with me because I will stay at his place tonight. He stands beside the opened door while I quickly put some things in a bag. He has been silent since we left the bar and I am worried. I feel some serious talking coming up but I can’t think of anything we haven’t discussed yet. So his eyes on me while I pack make me almost feel a bit chilly… “Done!” I say, standing in front of him. His eyes look troubled and he breaths heavily. “Let’s go…” I pull his arm and close the door.
In the car he is still silent and by the time we reached his house I am almost going mad. This silence is killing me and I don’t know what to do about it. Inside, I sit down on the couch; he walks though the house restlessly, not really doing anything. “Hey…” I say, patting my hand on the couch. When we sit there together, I take a deep breath. “Something is wrong, I know. Do you want to tell me?” the deja vu is inevitable, this feels just like the other day when we had that long and serious talk. I am so not in the mood for this, I just want to be with him and feel happily in love! His attempt to a smile looks more like a cramp. “I find it hard to admit this, but I am a bit scared of the future…” he slowly says. “I mean, there are so many changes now, and I don’t know what will happen when you have left.” Now he looks into my eyes for the first time since long. I really read some kind of fear there, insecurity and many, many questions. I look away, his eyes hurt me. Lina’s voice is singing in my head again ‘I don’t want your heart to be broken…’ I also never thought about seeing Per Gessle searching for words. “I will still love you when I get home…” I say, hoping it helps. He lets go of my hand and says, “Maybe I am taking everything too seriously…” now I am even more confused. Too seriously?! “Shouldn’t it be serious then?” I ask, now afraid of what will follow. When he doesn’t answer, I go on. “I don’t want to know about the future, I am not looking any further than tomorrow. Tomorrow we will say goodbye, for a while. Perhaps it is good to be alone for a while and let things rest…” he looks at me for a long time. “Let’s go to bed…” he then says.
And so we do. Strange to be in the bathroom together, brushing teeth. Strange to stand on one side of the bed each, undressing. I crawl under the blankets with just my panties on. He turns of the lights and comes to lie beside me. I turn on one side and wrap one arm and one leg around him, my head in between his chin and shoulder. Mmm. Perfect. My hand strokes his chest and his belly. We are both staring into the dark; I am kind of waiting for him to say something. Suddenly there are his arms around me, hugging me closer and his mouth searching for mine. With the darkness around us, his lips first find my nose and then my mouth which makes us both giggle. Phew, good to loose some tension! We hold each other tight. “I’m sorry if I made you worried.” he says into my ear. “I don’t want to scare you, but meeting you had so much impact on me… and now I feel like I have to let you go. I don’t know what to do with myself when you won’t be here!” I sigh. “But it has only been a few days, silly! You made it without me last week, so why not now?!” I say jokingly. He does not take it as a joke though and answers very seriously. “But these days have changed me around totally. Of course you can’t know how I was before… but it was…. Well…” again he is searching for words. “Even with the sun shining, the world was so grey and life seemed so boring and unfair.” He says in Swedish. “Do you understand?” he adds in English. “Yes, I do. Are you depressed?” I dare to speak some Swedish words to him, the first time ever. He grins about it and replies, in Swedish again. “I knew you could speak Swedish, hehehe…” he kisses me. “No, I am not depressed, I just got into this sad mood and it didn’t go away. Now I feel so good with you and…” stops talking again, sighs. “Now you are afraid he sad feeling comes back tomorrow?” I help him a bit. He confirms that. He turns around in the bed, now we are both on our side, facing each other. A tiny light from somewhere outside reflects in his eyes when he looks at me and it makes my heart jump. “Don’t worry so much.” I whisper, sorry to interrupt the moment. “I will be there for you, also with some kilometres between us.” After this, we cuddle up to each other and stay like that for almost the whole night.
We didn’t sleep much. All I wanted to do was lay beside him and feel his nearness. When I was about to fall asleep, I didn’t want to, afraid to loose time and suddenly wake up in Holland.
When I open my eyes in the morning, the sun is already shining and the sky is once again very blue. I moan and stretch a bit. Then I feel an arm around my waist, hand on my belly as Per pulls me to him. He kisses my neck and we stay like that for a moment. “Good morning… what’s the time?” I ask, voice a bit raw and thick with sleep. “Almost half past seven…” he whispers into my neck. His breath brushes along my ear… he bites my neck softly… “Hey! You vampire!” I giggle. Then I turn around on my back to face him. “Well. It’s Friday now.” He looks at me and nods. I see something flicking in his eyes, something that makes my heart jump and causes tickles in my stomach. Without another word he gets up and disappears into the bathroom. I enjoy the empty bed for a moment, and then I hear the shower turned on. Quickly I get out of bed and into the bathroom. The bathroom that belongs to the big bedroom is small, only has a shower and is perfect if you are in a hurry. When I enter the bathroom, it is being filled with steam already and through the glass door I see Per standing under the stream. He is washing his hair. I take off my panties and join him. He doesn’t notice me because his eyes are closed. When I stand behind him and wrap my arms around his waist, he smiles. We stand close together under the running water for a while. I take some shower gel and start to wash my body with it, Per stops what he is doing and watches me. Then his hands start to follow mine, all over my body. I am warm and slippery from the shower gel everywhere. His hands suddenly stop at my breasts, touching, stroking and carefully moulding them. Mmm… I close my eyes and put my head under the gentle stream of water, washing the soap away. Per suddenly comes closer, pushing his body against mine and presses his lips over one of my nipples. Oh boy… I am barely awake and already his touches are making me crazy.
His mouth moves from my breasts up to my neck and from there to my mouth. We kiss under the running water and both get trouble breathing. Eventually we have to stop and are both laughing while we try to catch our breath… I lean against the bathroom wall, pulling him with me. I look deep into his eyes and say, “Make love to me…” He bites his lip, eyes getting a bit darker and looking naughty. He moves closer to me, pushes me against the wall a bit roughly. He pulls one of my legs up and stands between them, then slides inside me right away, without warning or teasing. An electric pulse shoots through me the second he enters and I cry out loud. “Oh… you ok?” his voice is low when he speaks. He is worried he has hurt me, but I tell him otherwise. “Yes… please go on… so good to have you inside me… ohh…” now his confidence comes back and he starts moving in and out. Slowly at first but he quickly increases his tempo when he sees I like what he’s doing. I enjoy looking at him, his face totally concentrated; I can almost feel his eyes going over my body. My hands go through his hair and I whisper encouragements into his ear when he kisses my neck. He’s got this thing with my neck, can’t take his mouth away from it. “Oh you feel so good… yes… go on, mmmm go on… ohhh….” I say. He sighs deeply. “You make me so crazy when you say that…” he leans his forehead against mine, looking deep into my eyes. “Yes? You like it when I say I want you deeper… faster… mmm yes… like that… ah! Oh…” I go on like that and he smiles and moves a bit faster. Our bodies are such a perfect fit; it has never felt this good… as if we are made for each other.
My words don’t miss goal and I feel Per trembling as he is about to reach his top. He wants to stop, “No… ohh… mmm, not… yet…” he stumbles. “Come on… give it…” I whisper to him, moving my hips around and twisting my body. Then he can’t hold on anymore. His hands grab my ass tight, he gives one more deep thrust and then, with a loud groan he lets go and releases the energy that build up in him. We share a long kiss and both moan and breathe heavily a bit. I laugh about him when I get out of the shower.
Shit, he is so sweet… I could watch him all day long; I think when I watch him dress in the bedroom a bit later. He stands in front of the mirror, doing his hair. I chose a simple, grey pair of pants to wear today. It is hot outside but I do not expect the weather in Holland to be the same.
About an hour later we arrive at Tylösand, to get the rest of my things. Lina and Mark are cleaning up the room together and I help them. It is not so easy to determine weather clothes are mine or Lina’s, haha! Per has left in his car, saying he needed to ‘do something’ and he would be back in the afternoon. Mark, Lina and I are having a lot of fun with our cameras; we are taking pictures of everything we see in and around the hotel to get Lina’s and my film rolls full.
We are packed, checked out and have eaten. It’s about time to leave for the airport, when Per joins us again. He drives us to the airport which we reach far too soon in my opinion. It seems time is flying by. Our plane to Stockholm doesn’t leave until about six, so after checking in our luggage, we hang around the tiny Halmstad Airport a bit. While Mark and Lina sit down on a terrace, I take Per with me to yet another dark corner. See, I can find them too! He is a bit reluctant when I pull him close to me, looking around him as if he is afraid someone might spot us. And if they do, so what! My demand gets clearer when I grab him by the waistband of his pants and pull him to me roughly. He smiles before he kisses me. Right from the instance, the kiss is hot and hungry. We both know we are running out of time and take everything we can in those last moments. Per stops me by holding my face with his hands. “Hold on… wait…” he whispers. Then one of his hands dives into his pockets. He takes something out of it very gently, then puts it around my neck and fastens it. It is a very simple silver necklace, with a figure attached to it. It seems to be a long stripe but when I examine it closer, it proves to be two people whose bodies are entangled in each other. With my mouth open I look at him. “Oh… Per… that’s…” I can’t speak; I don’t know what to say! So I don’t say anything and just hold him in my arms. “Thank you” I whisper in his ear.
While I hold him, I feel tears stinging in my eyes. Now he has done it, now I am really going to cry and nothing can stop me! When he loosens from me, I see the same thing in his eyes. “Thank you…” I mumble. “Let’s go, it’s time.” he says calmly. Arms wrapped around each other, we walk to the gate. There we find Lina and Mark, kissing intensely. We stand there together and I feel so bad. I want to stay and go at the same time. He takes my face into his hands and manages a sad smile. “I love you, don’t forget that ok?” I nod while a tear slides down my cheek. He takes it away with his thumb and then kisses me.
Lina and I sit next to each other in silence, waiting for the plane to leave. We haven’t spoken a word to each other since we arrived at the airport. I am afraid I will start to cry again if I speak, so I keep silent. The flight instructions pass me in a haze. I seem to dream with my eyes open… until the plane leaves the ground. I look at Lina, who is staring out the window. “Hey…” I say with a crack in my voice. She looks back at me and smiles. “You ok?” she asks. I nod, but I start to cry again. Now we are in the air and she unbuckles and wraps an arm around me. “Shhh… It’s ok, you can cry… it’s not fair, I know…” she whispers sweet words to me which make me cry even more. After a while my crying fades away. There is only sadness in me and all around me. “Now what?” I ask her. “What? Why are you so sad? You have a new boyfriend and he loves you to death! You should be happy!” she answers. I shake my head. “I don’t know Lina, how is this going to work? He lives here and now I am leaving him behind…” Holland suddenly seems very far away. “No! Of course not!” the big mouth is back, haha! “You are not leaving him forever. Tomorrow you are happy to be back at your own place and you will call him and then you will talk about your trip and stuff. You took part of him with you, you know, he’s right here!” she says, pointing at my breast. I smile at her. Things are always so clear for Lina. When she explains it, life seems so easy to live. “You will make it, believe me. What I have seen between you two… you are so crazy about each other, this will last, I know!” I hope she is right, I really hope so but at the moment, I am not sure about anything.
At the airport in Stockholm we spent about half an hour together in a coffee corner, until I have to catch my connecting flight. Then we say goodbye with a big hug, some more tears and a lot of plans for next time.
Holland welcomes me in its own typical way. When we land at Schiphol Airport it’s already dark. It’s cold and it’s raining, which means I am home! I feel a little numb, walking through the airport. My eyes are all read and my nose is swollen and actually I don’t care about anything. I go down to the train station. Of course my train is delayed, but I couldn’t care less. It takes me about an hour to get home. When I finally reach my doorstep, I feel some kind of relief; I made it. I arrived without going insane. All these questions in my head make me crazy! What should I do and don’t do, can I call him tonight or is it too soon, how will his wife react, how am I going to tell my parents, should I tell them or wait until I am sure about this, I am sure, or not, when will I be?!
I am lying on my couch, almost cuddling my cat to death, when my mobile makes a sound. Per has sent me an sms: ‘home yet? please call me xxx’! Yes! The butterflies are back in my stomach instantly and my heart pounds like crazy when I search for his phone number. It seems to take ages before he finally picks up with a Swedish “Hallå?” I grin and answer in Swedish. “Hello there babe…” I almost whisper it into the phone. His tone also gets softer. “Oh… there you are! How was the trip?” he asks in reply. “Ok I guess. It is raining here and it’s cold…” I take a deep breath and then add; “and I miss you already!” I am not sure if I should have said that, maybe it sounds a bit ‘too much’… I hear him sigh. “I know, it is not fair! Can’t you just call your boss and say you have an occupation somewhere else? A very important one? Which is keeping you very busy?” I laugh and say, “Is that a job offer, Mr. Gessle?!” He grins and goes on, “Mmm… well I think there are many things you can do for me actually…” he says with a low, teasing voice. “And what would that be? I can’t cook and I am a terrible housekeeper, my place is always in a mess.” I say, which is very true! “Oh…. But there are so many other things you can do, don’t worry. And it’s not a very hard job, you don’t have to get up early… in fact, you don’t have to get up at all, hehe…” I love the little boyish tone in his voice when he starts to talk naughty. “So I can stay in bed all day? Mmm, sounds very good, I think I’ll accept!”
We stay on the phone like that for a while, giggling and saying sweet things. I am amazed by the energy I get from him. It hasn’t even been a day since we made love, and already we are trying to heat each other up again. “I do think I could spend the day in bed with you, no problem…” I tell him. “Really? Don’t you think it would get a bit boring after a few times?” he says, smile in his voice. “Boring?! No… no way… you know, I am very creative. And I just can’t get enough of you… mmm if you were here…” “Haha… go on, if I was there, then what?” I stretch out on the couch and yawn slowly. “Oh there are many things we could do. We could go out for a drink at the pub around the corner, we could watch my cat destroy the plants or we can surf the net… looking for websites about you… or we can chat to my friends… or…” “Haha… say it… come on!” he demands. “Oh well of course we could make love, but you just said that gets so boring after a while. I mean, I could also ask you to take me, to be deep inside me, to kiss my body everywhere…” another sigh from him in reply. I giggle. “Go on.” he says, voice now even lower. “Mmm… and I could kiss you everywhere. There must be places I haven’t discovered yet… I want to discover everything about you. I can take you in my mouth…” “Oh you… you make me so weak! I swear you can make me do anything when you talk like that… now who taught you those words hm? Who made you this naughty little girl?” I love to hear the desire in his voice when he speaks to me. God this is really cruel… “It’s your fault, I can’t help it… you make me say these things!”
It is very late when we finally stop talking. I am totally exhausted. After I hung up the phone, I go upstairs right away. The day has been long and I also have to recover from a very adventurous vacation…
The weekend is over before I know it. Monday, back to work! The getting up at 6 is not really bothering me, as I almost slept myself through the weekend. That I have to dress in some very boring business clothes irritates me, as well as the fact that the weather is now beautiful. It rained Saturday and Sunday, which completed my mood perfectly by the way. Now I have to go back to the office and the sun is already shining when I get into my car at 7.15. I arrive at the office just after 8. It’s fun to see my colleagues again, though hard to go to work instead of only talking about how Sweden was. The pile of papers on my desk tells me I have no time for chitchat and keeps me busy all day long.
On my lunch break, I go to the shopping mall and deliver my film rolls to the photo shop. When I come back, my colleague Katie is very curious about where I went. “How was Sweden, I haven’t heard any stories yet!” she says, leaning against my desk. I put away my bag and smile. “It was amazing! The weather was very good and I had so much fun…” “I can see that, you got very well tanned. So you met your friend, what’s her name?” I nod. “Yes, I met Lina in Stockholm. It was great to be back in that city, I love it! After that we left for Halmstad, a city in the south. So we spent most of the time on the beach!” I have taken my place at the computer now. “And?” Katie says, looking expectantly. “What?” I ask as innocent as I can. “Come on, I can see you are hiding something. You are glowing, I recon you met some nice guy there…” my smile is so big, it almost hurts and we both giggle. “Indeed I have… it was crazy, but yes… I have a boyfriend now…” I confess. I tell her how we met at the pool, that we went out and ‘somehow ended up in bed’. “So now you are dating a Swede… how perfect!” is Katie’s opinion. We have been working together for a while now and she knows I am crazy about Sweden and why. “Yes… and there is something else you should know about him,” I am blushing when I say it. “He is kind of famous and actually I have known him for a long time, only not this personal.” Now she starts to laugh. “You caught a famous guy? Is he a singer?” I nod and make gestures with my hand that she should go on. “Oh my, you want me to guess… well the only famous Swede I know… should be that guy from Roxette, what’s his name… Per?” then my phone rings and I have to stop talking. Katie goes back to her desk, shaking her head and pointing that she will mail me. Within a minute, an email from Katie pops up. I am still on the phone but scroll though it. ‘Are you really talking about him? Did you sleep with the Roxette-guy? I can’t believe it, I thought you said he was married, and he wouldn’t even know who you are. This is the guy you are a fan of, right? Tell me tell me!’ when I have finished my call, I write her back. ‘Yes, that’s him. We met at the hotel, he owns part of it! So it was not unusual that we met, just very strange that he came to talk to me haha! Turned out he did know me and we got to know each other even better. I think my photos are developed soon…’ Later I sneak away from work to get them. I had 5 rolls of film and almost all photos turned out great. The last ones are particularly interesting, those are the only pictures after Per and I got together. I find one of us at the dinner table, with Lina and Mark, which was made by the waitress. Then there are some pictures Mark made of Lina and me during the day, where we are acting really stupid, pointing out the most important sites of the hotel… the toilet, the jumping on the beds and the mess in the bathroom haha! Last but not least, a picture of Per and me. Lina made it when we all arrived at the restaurant. We stand beside each other, Per’s arm is around my shoulders and I have laid my head against his chest. With this ‘evidence’, I go to Katie’s desk. She is on the phone but I just lay the picture in front of her. She keeps talking to whoever is on the phone but her eyes widen and she smiles at me and puts a thumb up.
A few days later
The moment I put down the phone, it rings again. I have been talking to my mum for more than an hour, right after work. My parents just got back from their vacation in Greece and we talked about that. When she was about to hang up, I told her I am in love… well of course we kept talking after that! She asked all about him. I found it very hard to explain who my new lover is, but after I did I was very happy. My mother’s reaction was so funny! “Aha! So he finally discovered how special you are, haha! But seriously, how old is he by now? 43? So what’s next, you dating grandpa?!” she meant it as a joke, of course and she becomes serious when I say I think there won’t be a next. She is looking forward to meet him and I should say hi from her when I talk to him! Now, after that my friend Sandra calls me. “Listen!” she says, before I can say anything. Then she reads something to me in Swedish. “Is this the reason Per Gessle is leaving his wife Åsa? Recently, Per Gessle was seen with this very pretty young girl, whose name we believe is Robin. It is clear that both are very much in love, our source tells us…” I scream out loud! “Whaaaat!!! What’s that! Where did you get that?!” I ask in shock. “Check the website of Hallandsposten! Aftonbladet and Expressen have it too but Hallandsposten was the first.” Sandra explains. Oh my god! They even have a picture! The reporter we saw in Halmstad, after lunch, indeed spotted us, like Per said. And he also made pictures; of me shaking hands with the Marie’s, Per and I walking to the car, sitting in the car… damn, he even made a picture of our kiss! The article closes with a picture of Per, Lina, Mark and me getting in the car on Friday afternoon. I don’t even read it, I am totally stressing out! I see the sentence ‘Per Gessle could not be reached for comment’… “Sandra, I have to go, I have to call Per! Thanks for letting me know.” I say to my fried. Sandra is also a big Roxette-fan and we have known each other for years. She lives on the other side of the country but we chat very often and call each other sometimes. “Yes, you do that, I thought you should know… don’t let them get you down, you are the best couple ever!” she says, before putting down the phone.
I try to call Per, but no luck. After dialling his mobile number for the second time, someone picks up. It’s a woman and she picked up in Swedish. Oh god, could that be Åsa?! I also say ‘Hallå’ and then hesitate. “Robin, is that you? It’s Marie Dimberg!” Phew! “Oh, hello, how are you…” I try to stay polite but actually I have no time for that. Apparently, she doesn’t either. “Per is in a meeting right now. I saw you were calling so I decided to pick up. I think you are calling about the newspapers?” she says in her perfect English. I confirm that and ask if she knows when Per will be back. “In a few minutes, I think… oh hold on…” some talking in the background, some cracking and then she hands over the phone. “Robin?” it’s him, finally! “Hi! I am calling about the newspapers… you were right…” I start. “I know,” he says, “it kind of surprises me they waited until now!” I am very worried about Åsa, it would be horrible if she’d had to find out this way. Per insures me that it’s not so. “I saw her on Saturday and we discussed it right away. She was cool about it; I think she doesn’t believe that it only happened now. But it doesn’t matter; she heard it from me which is more important. Hold on.” again some talking in the background, then silence. “Now. How are you?” he asks. We haven’t been talking to each other since Friday night and it seems an eternity. Suddenly I am nervous and begin to stutter. “Well… ehm… ok… I guess and hm… I… uhm…” I sigh. No words come to me. “Hey, nothing to tell?” he asks with this sweet, soft voice… What’s this, have I lost the ability to speak?! Now suddenly he is making me all shy again and I only giggle softly. “Well I have,” he continues. “actually I was thinking about when I can come over to Holland… but things are not looking so good. Åsa wants to take care of many things and she wants it now… sorry.” I sit on the couch with my eyes closed, listening to him. “Is she giving you a hard time?” I ask him. He confirms that. “Yes, but I think it’s rather normal… I wish I could come over this weekend but I think I can’t… and I miss you so.” Wow, again that sweet voice which makes me tingle inside… “Ehm… maybe a total change of subject… but… my mum says hi!” I say with a laugh. He is surprised. “Huh? Your mum? You told her about… us?” “Yes, and she did not believe it was you… but then she said she really wanted to meet you…” silence. “So you should come over fast. And also, you made some promises Friday night remember…” now I hear him grin. “Mmm yes, I do remember… oh I really have to see you soon.” “There are so many things you have to see! My house, my cat, this city… and we can go out shopping in Amsterdam…” I dream away at the thought of Per coming over to my place… suddenly I burst out laughing, when I look at the other side of the room at the mega Roxette poster that is up on the wall there. “What? What’s funny?” Per asks, not understanding my laughing. “Nothing, nothing… it’s just that I have to make some arrangements in my house before you are allowed in here.”
We talk for a while, about what we did since we last spoke, and about how great it was last week. Actually I am constantly thinking about my doubts, the thoughts that keep coming back into my mind since I am home. Well actually they have been there since this crazy adventure started. I can’t get myself to say it; I don’t want to hurt him. But on the other hand, I feel like I should be honest.
Days go by in a flash. After a week, I am totally used to working again, nothing is going to stop me from making this job a success. I am really having fun which is good; it keeps my mind from worrying. In the weekend, I go out with some friends. The news about Per and me is spreading slowly, luckily the Dutch newspapers and gossip magazines are still asleep; they don’t care about Roxette. In fact I think they don’t even know they still exist. This time, I am happy about that! My friends and family are finding out, most of them are cool. Some friends are sceptic, they don’t believe me or they say it won’t last and he is only using me. It really hits me that when you’re famous, people tend to think they really know you, too. Mmm, I wonder if I was like that too… or am I still?
A week goes by without a word from Per. I have emailed him and left a message on his machine at home, but no word since the conversation about the newspapers. Lina has sent me the articles, she was ecstatic about them. ‘You are famous woohoo!’ she wrote in her letter. When I go through the articles, I get a funny feeling in my stomach. It makes it so distant, as if it is not me who is in those pictures with him. I also get a shock from it, as if it suddenly hits me who I am dating. The haze I have been in since that first time on the beach is now slowly fading away. I have come back to normal life.
A few days later I get an email from Per, very short, about what he’s up to. I miss something in that message… there is nothing personal there, just the cold facts and that worries me a bit. I think many people have the worries I have when they have just started a relationship. It is difficult to find out if both the lovers feel the same way about each other. If I can’t even figure out my own feelings, how will I ever be able to understand his?! These things really keep me awake at night and I am in a bad mood.
Friends have organized a party and I really should go. I don’t want to, it’s weekend again and actually I need time for myself. I know I am torturing myself with thinking about Per all the time but there is nothing I can do to stop it! Eventually, Sandra talks me into going to the party. She is coming all the way from her town as well, and for me it’s only a little drive. So I go… and end up having lots of fun! It’s always like that, when you don’t feel like going, you have the best party ever. Late at night, Sandra and I are sleeping in a room together at our friend’s house. We are the only ones still awake, it’s probably almost morning already and we are still talking. We lay beside each other, whispering so the others won’t wake up. I am recovering from my drunken status and we are having a very serious talk, when Sandra suddenly changes the subject. “Can I ask a rude question?” she whispers. I smile. “What would that be? You can ask and I’ll see if I answer haha!” she prepares for it, turning her head towards mine. “How is he?” she says. I am silent, not sure what to say. “I mean, we all know he is cute, duh, but what really made you fell for him as a person?” she explains. I sigh and think about it for a moment. “I think… the fact that he took some time to talk to me, surprised me a lot. I had never expected him to be so… open. I mean, I did not know that he recognized me.” I tell her. “He is very true… how can I explain… I could really tell that he was his honest self, you know, there was no pose, nothing that brought us together. I wasn’t prepared for anything, haha! So I could be nothing but myself, either. The moment I realized I was really in love, was when he didn’t go out of my mind. I was thinking about him all the time, with everything that I did.” Sandra interrupts me here. “But is that different now? I mean, I have periods like that and you had some crushes on him before…” I nod in agreement. “Yes, this is totally different. It is like I have met a new person, he is not the man on that poster on the wall you know…”
We fell asleep soon after that. The next day, I drive her to the train station. “I have come up with a conclusion after last night.” She suddenly states when we are sitting in the car. We are not really awake yet, we only had a few hours of sleep. “I mean, I know many people doubt your relationship with Per. What I see in you is real… I hope to find the same in him when I have a chance to meet him.” she speaks the last words very carefully and they are heavy on me. “You will meet him. I don’t know when, we need some time to place all this in the right form. But then… you will meet him.” I reply. We hug and she is off to the train.
While driving home I am in deep thoughts about what Sandra said. I am happy with her conclusion about me. At least a little less frightened about whether I am honest enough or not! God it is so hard to make sure you really, really love someone! Especially when there is so much to blur your vision, so much noise which you have to block out.
Sunday afternoon, finally back home.
I am doing some cleaning around the hose, Kylie Minogue is singing loud and the doors and windows are open. Although I am feeling like shit because of too much drinks and too little sleep, I have a lot of energy and clean up the whole house. When I sit down with a simple dinner, it’s already after eight. While I am eating, I watch TV. Everything seems to be normal. Halfway, I loose my appetite and put down my plate. I watch some silly American comedy. God my sad mood comes back again, watching the happy little family and their day-to-day issues. I want him to be with me. I want him to be here, only for me. I want to tell him that I love him and hear his sweet voice saying the same. I want his body close to mine in my big bed I cannot fill on my own. Shit now I have made myself cry… I pick up the telephone, quickly wiping away my tears and dial Per’s number. He’s not home, which is not surprise. I wait for the beep. “Hi, it’s me. I… just wanted to hear your voice…” I say. I hear a click and he picks up the phone. “Robin… I’m here!” Oh! There he is… “Oh I miss you… I miss you so much…” I whisper, sobbing again. “Baby what’s wrong, why are you crying?!” he asks, sounding shocked. I breathe deeply in and out before I speak. “Nothing… I am just so… confused and…” My voice breaks and I can’t speak anymore. “It’s ok, I am here. I love you.” he says with a low voice. I sniff. “I love you too… and I wish you were here.” I am stuttering and sobbing when I rain down all my fears and doubts, all the thoughts that kept my mind busy. He lets me speak, does not interrupt and sighs when I’m finished. “I feel so bad… I want to be there with you, I want to hold you in my arms. I wish I could take a plane right now and be by your side tonight.” He whispers. The fact he is saying this already makes me feel better. “You know, I also did some thinking… you are not the only confused one.” He says with some hesitation. “Oh…” is all I can say. “My feelings scared me… it is so…” he stops. “Please go on, tell me.” I say. “Promise you won’t cry anymore?” he says and so I do. “You mean so much to me… my feelings are so strong, it started to get to me. I doubted if I was really being honest to myself, and to you. And I felt so bad for doubting my feelings, god I am so afraid of hurting you…” his voice fades away. When he speaks again, he whispers. “I need you Robin… I never thought it was this big…” for a moment I’m afraid he is going to cry, but he gets back to his self in time. “Can you come over soon?” I ask, actually not wanting to know the answer. Per sighs. “I don’t know, I really don’t. I am in the middle of many things now… I will try to wrap it up as soon as I can and then we can spend some days together, ok?”
He had to end the conversation all of a sudden. At the moment I called he was already on his way to a party at the hotel, some celebrity thing which he couldn’t miss. I asked him to call me when he gets back and he promised to do so. When it’s just after ten, I almost fall asleep on the couch so I go to bed, phone on the nightstand. He calls me 2 hours later, just after midnight when I am in deep sleep. I wake up after the third tone and know instantly it is him. I bring the phone to my ear, under the covers. “Per?” “Did I wake you? Ooooh… I am sorry honey, I just wanted to hear your voice…” I smile. “It’s ok, I am happy to hear you. How was the party?” he makes an annoyed sound. “It was so boring… there were some reporters there and they all asked about you…” he says, a little grin in his voice now. “Really? And what did you say?!” I am dying to know. “Well… one of the photographers – I’ve known him for a while – said; That girl, Robin, she looks very good! And I said; Be careful Karl, you can only look, don’t touch. She is taken.” He repeats the conversation in Swedish. I giggle. “You really said that?! He will put it in the paper tomorrow… for which paper does he work?” Per grins. “Expressen.” Now I laugh out loud. “You said that to a photographer of Expressen?! Per Gessle, you are crazy!” “Mmm. I am crazy about you…” his voice becomes a bit low and soft… the special tone is back. “Are you in bed?” he goes on in Swedish again. “Alone?” “Hahaha! Yes, all alone…” I say in Swedish. “Mmm. Are you wearing something interesting that I should know of?” he becomes a bit naughty now. I watch the clock. It is almost one. “No, I don’t think so… mmm… only tiny panties…” he sighs and this time it is not a tired sigh, it is a rather erotic sigh and my skin starts to tingle when I hear it. “Oh… that sounds very good… what colour?” he wants to know. “White. With a little pink heart on the backside…” now he starts to groan. I twist and turn in bed; he is heating me up with the sounds he is making. “Oh my I would like to take that off…” he says, breathing heavily into the phone. “Oh really…” I answer. “Yes… and then I can put my hand there…” he goes on. I moan softly into the phone. “Go on…” I encourage him. “Mmm. I can touch you there between your legs… and what will I feel…?” my cheeks are all red and I put away the covers, suddenly so hot, how strange… “Oh I think you will feel… it’s a little wet…” a loud moan from him now. “Oh god Robin… we have to stop this… my pants are so tight already” I giggle. “Ok, we should go to sleep. Will you call me tomorrow?” I ask. “Yes, I am home tomorrow evening again and then I’ll call you, ok? No more tears?” “Ok. No more tears. Good night…”
I slept very well that night! The working week starts the next day and goes on quite calmly. I take the Friday off and plan to go shopping with a friend. Per called me on Monday as promised. Now it’s Wednesday and I try to call him. There is no answer but a minute later I get an sms: ‘am in meeting will call later xxx’. Later means an hour later, when I am in front of the TV, having dinner. “Hey little one…” he says when I pick up the phone. He has made it a habit now to speak Swedish to me which makes me melt every time. It doesn’t really matter what he says, I am drooling anyway… “Hi there, how was the meeting?” I ask in English. “Mmm quite ok. It was with nice EMI-people so actually I even had fun! We are also going to have dinner in about an hour so I have to go and change soon.” He asks how my day has been and I talk about work a bit. I tell him I have the Friday off. “Really? That’s very good, because there is something you have to do on Thursday night.” Per says, happy excitement hiding in his voice. “Oh? And what’s that?” I say while I put away my plate and nestle myself in a corner of the couch. “Well, maybe you could be so kind to be at Schiphol tomorrow night at…” I don’t even wait for him to finish his sentence but scream out loud! “Yaaaay! Yes! Ooooh great! Did you already book that flight?!” I ask him, squeezing the phone like crazy. “Yes… this morning…”
That night I do have trouble sleeping! And the next day is so long, the hours are passing by so slowly. Of course this is a special day at work and I have to work late. There is this business meeting that some of my colleagues and I have to attend every month and we are expected to look very professional. So now I am wearing a suit aaargh! I have brought a t-shirt and jeans to replace the jacket, blouse and skirt I am wearing. But as the hours pass, I get afraid I won’t have time for that anymore. Exactly on this day, we are going out to dinner with the group in Amsterdam. Usually it’s lunch but this is a special occasion. At about half past eight, I really have to excuse myself because Per’s plane is supposed to land in an hour! So no time for jeans, Per will have to do with the business-Robin for the moment. While I sit in my car, I check myself in the mirror. I let my hair down and decide the skirt is not so bad… actually it is quite short and the black tights could have something sexy… I drive to the airport and have some luck with the traffic. I arrive at a quarter past nine, his plane hasn’t landed yet. I hurry to the gate and wait there, hopping from one foot to the other. Can’t restrain myself from looking at my figure in the glass doors of the café…
The plane lands right on time. I am worried because I am not sure if he will be travelling business class or not… then he might leave the plane via some VIP room and I don’t know if he’s coming through the same door then… I sigh again. Take off my jacket and put it on again. No off is better. Sigh. Waiting. More waiting. Many people have come out now. Still no Per. Then… I catch a glimpse… my heart starts to jump, there he is! I walk to the exit and then he sees me too. He walks towards me, drops his bag and finally, finally I am in his arms again. I wrap my arms around his waist and lay my head against his chest. When he bends down to kiss me, I even shed a tear…
We stand there for a moment and just look into each others eyes. “Hi! How are you?” I say. “Good, you? Let’s go.” He replies. He brought a small bag and a suitcase. We walk away from the gate, hand in hand.
While walking through the hall of the airport, I keep looking at him walking beside me, his hand safely in mine. I look around at all the people passing us. The airport is always alive, 24 hours a day and people are everywhere. I hope they can all see us walking together; I hope everyone can see that we belong together and it almost seems like I am taller now. When I look at him again and our eyes meet, he smiles at me. I feel my cheeks getting a bit red when he looks at me like that and I look away.
Outside, I get some change out of my purse to pay for the parking. While I am standing at the ticket machine, he takes a step away from me and looks me up and down. His eyes make me nervous. I drop some coins and am messing around with the machine. “What?!” I ask when I am done with the ticket. He grins. “Is this your business outfit?” he asks, in Swedish now. I nod and pull a funny face. “A room full of boring ties, then I can’t walk in wearing my old jeans… so occasionally I have to… mmm… dress up.” I answer and turn around, heading for the parking. I feel his hand lightly touching my ass. “Not bad…” he whispers close to my ear. Oh suddenly I am feeling a bit warm… I get shy now, smile at him and don’t know what to say.
“Now guess.” I say when we stand in between the cars in the underground-parking. He looks at me in question. “Do you want me to guess which car is yours?” he says. I nod. This is fun; he will never guess it haha! He looks around. There are more than 20 cars in our sight. “Is it red?” he asks, since more than half of the cars are. I shake my head. “I’ll give you a hint. It’s silver-grey and very close.” He looks around again. I follow his eyes and when he comes closer, I say; “Warm…. Warm…” he looks surprised at the Jeep Grand Cherokee that I am now leaning against. “Is that your car?” I nod in reply and a smile appears on his face. “Not bad… not bad at all!” I open the back side for him to put his stuff in and then walk over to the driver’s side. I expect him to go to the other door and get into the car but he doesn’t, he walks up to me after closing the back door. I lean against the car and look at him. I get nervous and shaky when he comes closer and closer. I watch him place his hands on my hips. “Hey…” he says and I look up. Gosh I just don’t know what to do with his eyes, they are not just looking at me but they are calling me, wanting me, a little blurred even and filled with desire. His hands squeeze my flesh when he kisses me. He places some soft kisses on my mouth and I almost forget to respond… as if I have to learn how to kiss all over again. He stops and looks at me. “Is something wrong? You seem a bit… nervous?” I sigh and smile at the same time. “Yes, I’m sorry… I just… I don’t know.” I say and feel a blush coming up. “Come here you…” he whispers and takes my face in one hand, pulling me to him. He kisses me again, not waiting for me to respond this time. He touches my lips with his tongue, parting them and slips inside. Ah, so that’s how a kiss works… our tongues meet and play for a moment. “I missed you.” he says softly when he ends the kiss.
When we leave Schiphol and reach the highway, my heart rate is almost back to normal. I am suddenly very aware of my skirt and stockings. Actually this skirt is too short to drive with, it shifts up and then my stockings are showing off. I also know that he is looking at it all the time; I just feel his eyes on me… I take off my jacket while driving and throw it to the backseat. Per tells about his busy day in Stockholm, that he got up very early and did an interview, went to a meeting with EMI, visited the studio and some friends. He stops talking in the middle of a sentence. I look at him and follow his eyes. They go to my skirt. It has now shifted up so high that the top of my stockings are showing… I keep my eyes on the road again while I pull my skirt down with one hand. “Sorry…” I mumble, looking at him shortly. His smile is naughty and he is biting his lip… oh that makes him so sexy. “You are beautiful,” he says softly. I roll my eyes and stick out my tongue at him. He laughs. “Oh that looks very ladylike, fits your clothes very well!” he lays a hand on my knee now and squeezes it softly. His hand is warm and he rubs my leg a bit… oh I really have to keep my eyes on the road. I take his hand away from my leg. “You are not allowed to distract the driver!” I say, pointing my finger as if I am a teacher and pulling my skirt down again.
After a few jokes I am more relaxed. We talk about my vacation in Halmstad… that summer is almost over and that I miss Sweden. It is almost midnight when we reach my house. I live in the centre of a small city, in a beautiful apartment above a store, on the third floor. When you look out of the window you can see the beautiful church tower and a big square. Per follows me up two stairs. My living room is quite big. The walls are white, there is a dark wooden floor and two big, soft, dark yellow couches stand in the middle. One side of the building looks out over a canal. The wall almost entirely exists of glass which makes an amazing view. “So… welcome!” I say. Next to the door of the living room is the kitchen. It is parted from the living room by a big, dark wooden table. He has put down his suitcase and bag beside the table and walks over to the window. The curtains are open. He looks out over the water and the old city buildings below. I watch him from the other side of the room, opening a very nice bottle of wine. With two filled glasses, I walk up to him. I hand him a glass and we stand by the window together for a silent moment. He wraps an arm around me and I lean my head against his shoulder. This is one of those moments that you want to last forever.
We take the ‘grand tour’ through my house. I show him the bathroom, the study and the bedroom. Last but not least, the terrace on the roof which gives an amazing overview over the city.
Later we sit on the couch with more wine. There is something in the air and I can’t quite place it. I have been quite nervous all evening, getting used to his presence… now time and the wine have taken most of it away but I am still a bit distant and I think he feels that very well. I talk about my day with the stupid meeting and stuff. He is listening, laughs over my frustrations and explains he is very often one of those boring business guys I am fed up with! We are silent for a moment. I play with the empty glass in my hand. I’ve had 2 glasses of wine and am feeling lovely sleepy and warm, as if the air around me suddenly became furry. I glance at Per and meet his eyes. He picks my hand up from the couch and clings our fingers together, keeps looking at me with expecting eyes. Oh gosh… now we have to go to bed… my bed… together… I’d never expect it to happen but I am a bit nervous about sleeping with him. I want to look away but his eyes are not letting mine go, again they are calling me. Then he moves towards me, takes the glass out of my hand and puts it on the table with his. He comes to sit beside me and kisses me. His warm, soft lips move over mine. He bites my lower lip very softly, and then deepens the kiss. My mind is blank for a moment; all I know is his lips, his tongue and his lovely scent. His hand slides down, around my hip and he pulls me closer. I feel him tremble a bit… I know he is very excited and here I start to panic. Just slightly, I get a feeling of insecurity. Where is this going, I think to myself. What am I doing?! As if I am suddenly sober, my thoughts run wild again and my uncertainties are back. Worries about what I feel for him, if this is truly based on love or just pure lust… and I wonder the same about him. He is suddenly so close, almost out of the blue. Yesterday I was still alone in this house, my life almost perfectly in order and back to normal. Now there he is, creating chaos again… I move away from him a bit, ending the kiss.
I sigh, catch my breath and don’t dare to look at him. He takes his hands away from my body reluctantly and leans back, carefully studying my face. “Ehm…” I say, sounding really silly. “You ok?” now he looks worried, desire still burning in his eyes. “Yes… No…” oh shit, where is my self confidence now that I need it most! He caresses my cheek with one finger. “It is time to go to bed…” his voice sounds hoarse when he speaks. I nod and look at him. “Yes…” I can only say. I get up from the couch quickly and bring our glasses to the kitchen, tidy up a bit just to have something to do. I hear him go upstairs. I walk through my living room, closing the curtains and blowing out a few candles. I let my hair hang down, go through it with my hands and look out the big window. The town is asleep and silent. The darkness provides no answers to my questions. I hear Per walking around upstairs, in the bathroom, then the toilet flushing. I also go upstairs. In the bathroom, I brush my teeth and my hair. When I enter the bedroom he is just getting under the covers and smiles at me. I walk over to my side of the bed, close the curtains there and then start to undress. I feel strange with him looking at me. I through my boots in a corner, unbutton my blouse… take off everything fast and then quickly get under the covers as well. The small lamp on his nightstand is the only light left in the house.
I lie on my back and stare at the ceiling. He turns to me, moving over to my side of the bed. “Hey…” he says, making me look at him by pulling my chin in his direction. “Do you want to talk about it?” he asks. “About what?” I ask kind of dull, only to win more time to think about what I am going to say. “There is something on your mind.” He replies slowly, making sure he is choosing the right words. I want to say that I am waiting for him to take control, because I can’t. I need him to convince me of… of what, actually? Of his love for me… or the other way around…? He moves his head onto my pillow and whispers in my ear. “It’s ok, just tell me when you want to. While you think about that, is it ok if I do… this…” he kisses my cheek right beside my ear. “Or this…” now his lips touch my ear, go down a bit to my neck. “Is this ok…” he whispers to my neck and kisses me there, slightly brushing his tongue against it. “Mmm…” I mumble a bit. I feel his hand moving under the sheets and he places it on my belly, rubbing it softly. I move a bit closer to him, his games are so teasing… he keeps on kissing my neck, then moves over to my mouth. His mouth is hot, so hot and so hungry when he kisses me. His tongue finds mine quickly and he is panting when we kiss. He pushes his body against mine… I feel his hard, naked desire push against my leg. It seems to be the last bit of convincing I need because I start to crave for more, start to get so incredibly aroused… I moan into his mouth, my hand grabbing him by the hair to pull him to me. We lay like that for a while, kissing, his hand exploring more and more under the covers. He now goes up and cups one of my breasts, gently squeezing it. A shiver runs through me and he feels it too. He stops kissing me for a moment, looks into my eyes and asks, “You still ok?” I nod and giggle. “Go on…” I whisper. While his hand goes down to my panties, his eyes silently ask for permission. I only bite my lip and return his stare. His fingers sneak into my panties, going lower and lower. I part my legs a bit to give him more space, encouraging him. His fingers search a bit and find what they want… my body cramps under his touch… his fingers push inside me slow but persistent… he starts to rub up and down slowly, his fingers now completely wet. Oh I am suddenly so hot, I moan and breathe deeply and hold him tighter. “Mmm… do you like that…” he breathes into my ear. I moan in reply. Talking seems to be too much to handle right now. I move my hips around; try to make him touch me a bit harder, just a bit faster… oh please… He is only slowing down, makes me crazy and then says, “Tell me honey… tell me what you like…” I sigh and settle my head against his shoulder. “Please go on…” I say softly. “Tell me…” he whispers with a low, deep voice. “I… I need you… to touch me… please… touch me… mmmm I want more…” Suddenly the words fly out of my mouth, I turn my hips against his hand hard. He groans loudly, takes my head with his other hand, and demands a kiss, hard and rough. Now his fingers start to rub me again down there, slowly first but faster and faster. I am keeping my breath while he still kisses me, his tongue playing a wild game with mine. Then he stops again, leaving me trembling, mouth open, totally concentrated. He takes some distance from me, breathing heavily. I move my hand to his boxer short… his extremely tight boxer short. I lay my hand on his hardness and squeeze him gently. A low and hard moan comes from his throat. “Oh! OH… oh my god…” He pushes all the covers away from me and watches my naked body. “I want to taste you…” he mumbles into my mouth when we kiss. He wraps one leg around me, almost lying on top of me and kisses his way down to my breasts, plays with my nipples for a moment, then goes down over my belly until he lowers his head between my thighs. He caresses and kisses my inner thighs, licking them… softly biting the gentle flesh there.
I twist and turn under the touch of his mouth. He moves up, finally reaches the right place. He tongues works its way up and down, now I totally loose control. My head moves from left to right, I can’t catch my breath anymore, my belly is trembling. He enters me with his tongue a tiny bit, then goes back to sucking me, harder now, while his hands hold my ass in an iron grip. I push my hips upward, thrusting myself against his mouth and his incredibly fast tongue… then I can’t hold on anymore… my breath come out is short puffs… I scream out his name… “Per! Oh! Mmmmmm…. yes…. oooh….” He keeps kissing and sucking me while I float for a moment… floating on a wave of pleasure. Before I even have the chance to come to my senses, he goes on with what he was doing. He goes on sucking me… kissing… it almost hurts to still feel him there but it feels so good, so good. Now I feel his fingers there too. My eyes are closed, my mouth is wide open and my hands have grabbed the pillows and my back is arched. He enters me with two fingers, moving back and forth. Oh and there I feel it come again, I am on a high… my belly cramps and I tremble… my mouth is opened but no sound comes out. My pleasure is silent… total ecstasy…
Per comes up and hugs me, his face buried in my neck. He is out of breath as well and I feel both our hearts beating fast. My arms are wrapped around him and I am trying hard to hold back the tears burning in my eyes. I keep my eyes shut tight. “I love you… I love you so” I whisper into his ear. He moves his head and when I open my eyes, I look into his. I reach up to kiss him softly. “Honey…” he says while wiping a tear away from my cheek. “Please make love to me…” I say in reply, my hands already moving down over his back to undo him of his underwear. I pull my legs up and feel him slide inside me carefully as he studies my face, waiting for my reaction. My arms are wrapped around his neck; I pull him into a kiss. His heart thuds against my chest. I have to feel all of him, want to touch every part of his body when he makes love to me and move my body in his rhythm. He breaks our kiss to catch his breath. His hands are caressing my sides, my breasts, back down to my hips as if he wants to keep me in place. His thrusts get faster and deeper. I enjoy the look in his eyes and I see the tension building in them. “Oh honey you feel so good…” he sighs. “Mmmm…. I missed you so much…” he whispers. His belly trembles against mine when I move my hips up, meeting his thrusts. “Oh baby…” he groans and increases the tempo. His thrusts become faster and harder. His lips are on my neck and I feel his hot sighs in my hair. “Mmm… mmmm…” he moans. With one last thrust and a loud groan in my neck, he releases. “Oh… oh god…” he breathes heavily and his weight is almost crushing me now that his muscles relax. I slowly go though his hair with my hands and caress his back.
He is lying beside me, his arms wrapped around me when he falls asleep. My thoughts rush through the day once more. I feel so safe in his arms; all my worries have passed away. Everything is ok now. He is here, with me, for me.